A letter to Astro

May 4th, 2011


To the hirsute helpers at Astro,

Today, while enjoying a short snack break from work, I found a hair in my yogourt. You’re probably saying to yourself: “How do I know that the hair isn’t your own?” Well, let me tell you this, Astro: the hair was sealed beneath your air-tight lid. I had to peel back your secure lid in order to reveal a hermetically sealed hair. Now, either this is an employee’s way of preserving his or her DNA for an indeterminate amount of time (predicting, very wrongly, that the culture in the yogourt will combine with their DNA and slowly grow into a clone of themselves), or, the employee is unnaturally hairy and can not stop their constant loss of hair (begging the question: “Why does this person work in your yogourt factory? Haven’t you noticed the employee who is always raining hair?”).

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe all of your yogourt comes with a free follicle. If that’s the case, then properly label your new brand “Hair Yogourt” and count me out.

I’ve honestly only ever bought one Astro product. Luck has it that I buy the one with the prize in it. Oh, wonderful.

Matthew Raudsepp

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