A letter to Hilroy

December 29th, 2010

Plain sheets.

Dear “bright idea” department at Hilroy,

I bought your so-called “Plain” paper and found it to be anything but plain. The unbelievable brilliance of the white sheets was too much for my eyes. Plain paper should not shine like a one hundred watt light bulb. Plain paper ought to be a dull and unassuming shade of white. Ideally, it ought to be grey paper. Grey paper would be easier on everyone’s eyes. I would even take beige paper over those radiant, hot-white sheets you refer to as “Plain”. A more humble tone needs to be chosen: taupe or honeydew perhaps. I leave this choice in your capable hands (so long as your choice is anything other than “Spotlight On God’s Beard” white).

In the mean time, I would suggest retracting the label “Plain” until such time as your products truly deserve that specific categorization. And, since you are in this line of business, could you please refer me to another company that offers truly plain paper – preferably grey?

Sincerely (waiting for my pupils to constrict after such wide dilation),

Matthew Raudsepp

P.S. Your packages of white paper are in need of an update. Should they not reflect the distribution of the population? Out of those two hundred sheets, some should be white, yes, but some should also be brown. The rest should reflect our ethnic diversity by covering the wide range of tones between white and dark brown. “The Proper Pigment Per Paper” campaign is all yours. Make it happen, Hilroy: “Paper For The People”.

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