A Whole Bunch of Disgusting Food Onamonapias

May 15th, 2011

Food should always be eaten in silence. I envy deaf people, who never have to listen to the sickening sounds of overripe fruit squeezed through teeth and jowls, the squishy clatter of buttered corn mangled from its cob, snotty oysters gargled down undulating throats. I’m making myself sick writing this stuff. Here’s my list of the worst food sounds!

Macaroni Salad. As the spoon dives into the glisten-y noodles, the shifting and reconfiguration will squish and squidge around. I imagine it’s the sound a fat person’s intestines make when a fat person runs. I’ve had nightmares of Scrooge McDuck swimming around in his silo of coins, except instead of coins, its macaroni salad.   

Popcorn. Unbuttered popcorn screeches through your teeth, like biting into Styrofoam. Next time you’re in a movie theatre, attune your ears to the chalkboard chewing sounds and you’ll likely go insane.  

Peaches. There’s a slurping involved with eating peaches, plums and nectarines. Which in itself isn’t gross, but peaches are too often associated with vaginas. So watching my grandmother sucking down a peach is pretty much the grossest thing ever.

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