Nut Muncher

August 29th, 2011

Let’s talk about Alpine Marmots.

Not only are they cute as a huge furry button, they’re also the largest species of squirrel, with the major fatass Marmots reaching upwards of twenty pounds!

As adorable as they are, their behaviour can, at times, be downright filthy and evil. 
-They’re super lazy. They sleep for nine months straight! Hibernation? More like, “Let’s taunt God by creating a cult of sloth for three quarters of the year in our Marmot burrows.”
-How do they seal their sinful burrows, you ask? With a fresh, sticky mixture of dirt and feces. They plug their putrid rodent dens with a foul dung-door and then marinate in their hot stink ovens for nine Godless months. 
-Dominant female Marmots actively suppress the reproduction of subordinates by being antagonistic towards them while they are pregnant, which causes stress and kills the young in utero. Basically, Marmots are so unpleasant they’re able to convince a baby that death is preferable to spending even one moment in a hellish burrow with queen bitch alpha-Marmot.

Then again, maybe Marmots are just taking a progressive stance in the abortion debate.

Kyle “Marmots Are Pro-Choice” Gatehouse


Vampenis Bat

August 16th, 2011

Bats are the only mammals capable of true, sustained flight.

What’s that you say? “But Kyle, as handsome as you are, I think you’ve forgotten about the Flying Squirrel!”
Not so! While you do have a keen eye for identifying good looks, your ability to differentiate between flying and gliding is painfully poor!
The so called “Flying” Squirrel is but a flea-ridden charlatan, who’s pathetic attempts at flight are nothing more than embarrassing displays of delayed free fall. Where the graceful bat has achieved a perfect mastery of flight, the “Faking” Squirrel lives on borrowed time, gliding around his filthy home on the back of a hastily scrawled I.O.U. written by a begrudging gravity.

-Vampire bats are the only mammalian parasite. 
-Twenty percent of all mammals are bats. 
-Bats dont actually flap their entire forelimbs, as birds do, but instead flap their spread out digits. They tickle the air with their long, creepy fingers, like some leathery pervert diddling his way through the sky. 

Kyle “Go Fuck Yourselves, Flying Squirrels” Gatehouse


Train in (dick)Vein

August 5th, 2011

A small crowd gathers, and the members of it look intently at a beautiful miniature landscape lit from a radiant blue sky. There are men, women and children in the crowd – the youngest standing on long footstools that raise them to a suitable viewing level. The attention of every person present is held rapt on a small replica of a viaduct, with handsome stone piers and an intricate superstructure of thin timber beams. This carries a pair of shining nickel rails over the valley between two shrub-covered hills. Near one end of the viaduct, model trees as large (or as small) as rock-garden plants provide a fresh green frame for the entrance of the tunnel.

Then, with a soft purr of the wheels, a tiny train emerges from the tunnel to a wild chorus of hushed “ooh”s and “aah”s. The locomotive, barely as long as two fingers, draws four truly proportioned coaches in slow procession before the crowd, so overjoyed by the majesty of its finely crafted minutia that they are one and all brought to streaming tears of hot joy.

As the proud little locomotive makes its way along the polished rails – controlled by an unseen hand – those few members of the crowd not fixed on the movement of the train have allowed their gaze to follow the tracks, hoping to peer into what the future has in store for their heroic rail transport model. Licking the delicious rails with their wet ogle, the brave few members who look to the future feel as though they themselves are conducting their very own, slightly faster and completely imaginary, model train – an act they find to be immensely satisfying, as if they have wrestled the chaotic and uncaring universe into a submissive and orderly servitude.
Indeed, they, if only for an instant, feel like Gods, in complete control of their fate, a comforting peace warming its way through their hearts.

And as the little train bumps into the conductor’s penis, laid gingerly over the tracks, the eyes of the crowd rise to meet the eyes of the conductor, and all are joined in that moment by their love of model railways.

Kyle “Exposing Himself To Children At Hobby Conventions” Gatehouse



July 13th, 2011

Who here can say, yay or nay, if they, on this day, believe X-Men to be gay?
If I may, let me sway your opinions toward “fey”.

-Overworked gym bods.
-Constant, blatant gay rights allegory. (“Mutant” minority fighting for rights, “coming out” as a mutant, Sir Ian McKellen…)
-Dick Blades.

Kyle “Dick Blades” Gatehouse


Cock, A Doodle

June 10th, 2011

Kentucky Fried Chicken gets a bad rap. 
PETA regularly protests their franchise locations and head office because their chicken is purchased from inhumane breeding farms. 
The sodium levels in the Double Down sandwich alone easily exceed Health Canada’s recommended daily intake.
Even the Pope has publicly condemned KFC for eroticizing the otherwise wholesome activity of a family chicken dinner (“too much finger lickin’”).

But KFC wasn’t always a sordid, salty mess of sex scandals and sodium stockpiles.

It turns out Colonel Sanders was a punk rock badass with a heart of fried gold!

“That friggin’ … outfit …. They prostituted every goddamn thing I had. I had the greatest gravy in the world and those sons of bitches– they dragged it out and extended it and watered it down that I’m so goddamn mad!” 
-Colenel Sanders, 1964, following his buyout by new owners who skimped on recipes to cut costs.

Heublein Inc. unsuccessfully sued Sanders for libel after he publicly referred to their gravy as “sludge” with a “wallpaper taste”.

So here’s to the Colonel, who created an institution that will forever be associated with an offensive black stereotype.

Kyle “Rooster Roaster” Gatehouse


Heavy-Petting Zoo

June 3rd, 2011

Things Pygmy Goats have that I wish I had:

-Ancestors as distinguished sounding as “Camaroon Dwarf Goats”, as opposed to my ancestors, “The Poor Irish”.
-A milk fat percentage in the 7-9 range. Woo! That’s some fat milk!
-A stomach with four compartments and the ability to eat all kinds of ridiculous shit, like scrap metal, band aids and camp fires.
-A Thurl.
-An acute fascination for exploring boxes, benches and tables.
-The ability to multiply my age by seven to see how old I am in human years.

Kyle “Fuck You Finger” Gatehouse


Reel Recognize Reel

May 28th, 2011

In general, the faster the tape speed the better the sound quality.
In general, the faster the rape speed the better the pound quality.
In general, the faster the fast the better the bodybuilding.
“In General”(sexy army game), the faster your insertion the better your chances of escaping harsh military punishment. 
In general, the slower the tape speed the poorer the sound quality. 
In general, the reverse of the sentence is the not-inverse of the truth quality. 
In general, the more you repeat a sentence the less people are interested, but the more fun you have.

Kyle “Gumming Up The Works” Gatehouse


Pretty Kitty Prick

May 23rd, 2011

Toxoplasma gondii.

Learn to fear that name, for it is the puppetmaster, the black whisper, the dark god.
A parasite. A parasite whose primary host is the common house cat. A parasite that currently infects 40-65% of the world’s human population. 

How? Intermediate hosts. Mostly rodents. Mostly rats.
Infected cat feces are ingested by rats, who in turn become infected. The parasite migrates to the rat brain and changes its behaviour, making the rat less fearful of cats. Infected rodents will seek out cats, get eaten, and Toxoplasma gondii will reproduce, laughing all the while.

Ever clean a litter box, or eat tartare? You’ve probably got Toxoplasmosis. 
And it’s controlling your brain. 

It has the ability to alter human behaviour.
It slows reaction time. It causes men to be more reckless and jealous. It causes greater warmth and conscientiousness in women.
It makes you love cats. Because it wants to get out of you and into them. 

The next time you bend to pet a pretty pussy, know that you might not be doing it of your own free will.

Kyle “Cats Domesticated Themselves In Order To Indirectly Enslave Humanity” Gatehouse


Snail Male Genitalia

May 20th, 2011

The Giant African Snail can grow to be 15 inches from snout to tail! 
Further proof that blacks are better at basketball.

Kyle “Racist” Gatehouse


Ox Cox

May 13th, 2011

Methane: A more potent greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide, with 25-50 times the warming effect. 
Concentrated High-Corn Diet: Increases acidity in bovine digestive tract, which leads to…
Cow Burps: With higher than normal methane levels, coupled with…
Too Many Cows: 1.5 billion cattle worldwide, burping tornados of methane into the atmosphere, becoming the third most significant cause of global warming.

The solution is not “stop fattening cows with corn”, nor is it “eat less meat”…
The only way to stop this devastating stampede of ozone assassins is to “stop having kids”.

Humans produce way too many humans. Just had two kids? Great. Now we need five more cows, two for eating two for milking and one for fucking to make the other four.
Next time you reach for your steak knife, stick it in your dining partner instead of your meat.

Let’s take this overpopulation bull by the horns and castrate it, so 1. we can eat the balls (delicacy) and 2. we can pull our cart to market, the market of future human prosperity.

Kyle “Metaphor Master” Gatehouse

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