Baring His Cross

May 6th, 2011

Dear Jesus,
You fucked up, bro! You should have used your David Blaine style magic to turn that wooden cross into a big floppy penis!

Benefits:
-Would have been way easier for you to drag that shit all the way to Golgotha. 
-Impress the ladies not only with your strength, but with the size of your many manhoods.
-Probably the Jews and Romans would have been too weirded out to whip and punch you. 
-It’s pretty hard to nail a guy to a penis.

Yours,
Kyle “I Just Figured Out That A Cross Looks Like A Wooden Cactus” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (2)

Skull Floss

May 2nd, 2011

Who among us has never asked ourselves one of these common questions?

Q: How can you tell if a dolphin is amorous? 
Q: Do dolphins know where our sex organs are right away, or do they need to learn?
Q: Where can I find a compendium of well-written, first-hand accounts of sexy dolphin times?

Today I have for you, my dear readers, a very special treat indeed. 
Follow the link below and reap your reward. The reward of knowledge, solidarity… love.

http://www.zoophile.net/dolphin_anatomy.php

Yours,
Kyle “Just Booked Ticket To Marine Land, Filled Bag With Durex: Dolphin” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (1)

Breastfeeding Becomes Inappropriate

April 25th, 2011

They say if you love something, you have to transform it into something you hate and then try to continue loving it, as a test. 
Good luck with this one.

Yours,
Kyle “It’s Really Hard For Me To Picture Breasts Any Other Way Now” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (1)

*Guest Blog Post* The Hippocratic Oath by Matt G

April 18th, 2011

The Hippocratic Oath is to do no harm. 
For entertainment purposes, here are a bunch of Hungry-ass Hippos in direct violation of their own oath.

Here are some interesting facts about hippos:
- To mark their territory, they spin their tail while shitting, spraying the excrement over a wider area. Much like spitting through a fan.
- Hippos are faster on land than humans. Even when running backwards while spinning its tail and shitting.
- If the Hippo were a human it would look like George Wendt from Cheers.

Yours, 
Matt “Rattle-me-Bones” Gagnon


COMMENTS (2)

12 Days 12 Steps

April 8th, 2011

Loyal Reader:

Do I have a treat for you. Kyle’s Kool Komiks Korner is taking a twelve day break so Kyle can attend rehab in California!
No more physically or emotionally abusive blog posts, no more hiding under the kitchen table as I bound through the house, naked as a jay bird, holding my razor and yelling “let me shave you, LET ME SHAVE ALL OF YOU”.

In the meantime, expect a very special guest blog post(s) from a founding member of this site (hint: his first name starts with “Matt”). 
I’ve handed over the reigns, and have full confidence that our clean-shaven secret guest poster will keep you tickled like a shorn chin in the wind. 

Yours,
Kyle “I Belong To God Now” Gatehouse

COMMENT (0)

Bird Bait

April 4th, 2011

Can we agree that hot air balloons are lame-ass?
Picture this: an F-14 Tomcat screams through the sky at the speed of sound, launching missiles out of a barrel roll and blowing up a school, all while your wingman flips-off the Russians.  
Now picture this: standing in a field for a half hour as your balloon inflates, then being incapable of steering or traveling faster than the breeze. You are a floating picnic in a wicker basket, completely vulnerable to any bird of prey, kid with a bb gun, or minor change in wind direction.

Ways to make hot air ballooning worthwhile:
-Attach Missiles.
-Tie thirty or more hot air balloons together and attach them to the top of the Statue of Liberty to turn her into a carnival balloon saleswoman.
-Perform all future hangings from the bottom of the basket and set a strong, floating example for criminals.
-Teach birds a lesson and bring the pain to the skies by attaching giant rotating blades that double as propulsion and avian abolishers.

Yours,
Kyle “At Least The Hindenburg Had Wow Factor” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (1)

Modelled After Marc Bolan’s

April 1st, 2011

Age-old Tyrannosaurus Debates:

-Hunter or Scavenger?
In all likelihood it was a mixture of the two, in much the same way that modern-day carnivorous hunters will readily scavenge another predator’s kill if the opportunity presents itself. 
-Locomotory Abilities, Fast or Slow?
This is important in that it greatly affects the Hunter/Scavenger debate. If a T. Rex was able to run quickly enough to hunt, then it was probably a hunter, nah mean? The Dino-Footwear debate is easily solved, I think those strong calfs demand an elegant stiletto.
-Classification?
Its taxonomy is also controversial, with some scientists considering Tarbosaurus bataar from Asia to represent a second species of Tyrannosaurus and others maintaining Tarbosaurus as a separate genus. Somebody pull funding from cancer research and get these palaeontologists the money they need to answer these BURNING QUESTIONS.
-Scales or Feathers?
Protofeather proteins have been found in fossilized blah blah birds are the closest relatives to who cares–COULD T. REX FLY? No.
Then shut up about these useless feathers! 

Basically: Why is everyone wasting their time with speculation when they could be mastering Dennis Nedry’s time-travel cloning to bring back a T. Rex and put all these debates to bed-rock once and for all.

Yours,
Kyle “Holy Fuck Who Cares They Are All Super Dead” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (2)

Dumboner

March 28th, 2011

In Disney’s “The Little Mermaid”, Ariel is subservient to her Aqua-King father, until she spies a handsome land-man and gives up her voice, her very identity, to become a subservient sex object for him.

In Disney’s “Dumbo”, a birth-defect elephant is ridiculed by minstrel-show-crows and breaks the laws of physics, making a merry mockery of our lord and saviour Science, through delusional feather fantasies.

In Disney’s “Song Of The South”, old Uncle Remus, a black man happily working on a plantation in the deep south, sings cheerful songs and looks after the white folks’ kids.
Best part: When the movie had it’s premiere in 1946, the actor who played Remus was not allowed to attend.

In Disney’s “The Lion King”, Scar is a scary bad guy who kills Mufasa and makes me cry and I hate him he’s too mean and ugly and I like that shot of Nala when she lies back in the grass and gives Simba the fuck-me eyes while Elton John whispers sweet lovely nothings in my ears but Scar is too scary for me.

Yours,
Kyle “An Epic Legacy of Racism, Sexism, and Archaic Christian Ideals” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (4)

My Dear, Bare Hunter

March 25th, 2011

True Facts about Deer Penises:

-In traditional Chinese medicine, a deer penis is said to have important therapeutic properties. Deer penis and powdered deer penis is commonly sold in Chinese pharmacies.  
-Apparently deer penis, especially if ingested while soaked in alcohol (deer penis wine), is an effective remedy for athletic injuries, which is why China banned its consumption during the 2008 Olympic games.
-The deer penis, also known as an “antler”, grows from an attachment point on the skull called a “pedicle”. While an antler is growing, it is covered with highly vascular skin called “velvet”, which supplies oxygen and nutrients to the growing bone.

Yours,
Kyle “Pizzle Treats” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (5)

Ladlock

March 21st, 2011

Topping off my list of “most interesting museums about the Kent constabulary” is the Kent Police Museum, home of the world’s largest working padlock!
http://www.kent-police-museum.co.uk/core_pages/index.shtml

If you, like me, were blown away by the aesthetic AND functional beauty of the Kent Police Museum’s official website, then let me be the first to direct you to Merlin Web Solutions:
http://www.merlinwebsolutions.com/
I used to think that Rob Richard, our Web Wizard, was the most powerful internet magician in existence, but after laying eyes on Merlin’s sublime site, I’m starting to question my faith in Rob’s abilities. 

Rob: What’s going on with our Website 2.0? It looks the same. Which is to say it looks like a handful of shit. 
Don’t make me contact Merlin. The ramifications of a Web Wizard Webernet War would wield worrisome waves of wet woe. 

(Merlin: Your web-spells are powerful indeed. Send me your internet number and I’ll in-load to your location for a meeting.)

Yours,
Kyle “Kyle Gatehouse” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (2)
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