Piggly Wiggly

March 18th, 2011

What a powerful pose! A proud prize pig, stoically staring into his star-spangled destiny. 
The human hands that hold him up before his brethren are a symbol of office, a symbol of his ascension beyond the boundary of species. 
Cupped and wrangled, his dreams are your dreams, a united future where man and pig stand as one. 
O! Come what may!
The whirling void before us shall be pierced by His light, a torch of hope blazing out from His fierce, black eyes. 
What can we do but follow, what can we do but praise His wisdom, His love, His cowlicked shoulder rosettes.

Kyle’s Cavy Twitter: 
http://twitter.com/#!/kylegatehouse

Yours,
Kyle “Cavies Cavies Cavies Cavies Cavies Cavies Cavies Cavies Cavies” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (2)

LumberJack It

March 14th, 2011

Today, for the first time in my life, I thought, “I’m going to sit down and spend an hour drawing a hatchet with a long flaccid penis wrapped around the warped wood handle”.

I didn’t think, “maybe I’ll go talk to some pretty girls”, or, “gosh, maybe I should go back to school and get started on a career”, or, “would I even enjoy sitting down and drawing a hatchet with a dick-grip?”

No. I just did it. Nike style.

Yours,
Kyle “This Is How You Should Live Your Life” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (3)

Limp Lamp

March 11th, 2011

Whenever I think of lightbulbs, I think of Thomas Edison electrocuting dogs, cats and Topsy the elephant. 

In 1903, Thomas Edison was raking in the cash from patent royalties for direct current, which had been established as the standard for electricity distribution in the United States. Meanwhile, Nikola Tesla (death ray maniac/david bowie’s most hilarious film role), was touting his new and improved alternating current, which threatened to ground Edison’s direct current currency.

So, in one of history’s most sordid publicity stunts, Edison decided to round up a slew of stray street pets and demonstrate the “danger” of Tesla’s alternating current by publicly electrocuting them and filming the fry fest with his own motion picture camera.

But the novelty of zapping knee-high waggers burns up quicker than fur. Edison’s crackling bloodlust demanded bigger game. 

Enter Topsy, a Coney Island elephant that had killed three of its handlers in as many years. An ironic figurative lightbulb appeared above Edison’s head, and Topsy was riding the lightning faster than you can say “Topsy was riding the lightning faster than you can say”.

In the end, despite fried felines, pulsed pooches and an electrified elephant, Tesla’s far superior alternating current became the standard, and Edison went down in history as one of America’s most “inventive” murderers.

Yours,
Kyle “Dick In A Lamp” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (3)

Gives New Meaning To “Popping A Cap In Your Ass”

March 7th, 2011

Forget horror movies, walking alone in a dark forest, pregnancy scares or haunted houses, hands-down the most frightening thing one can do is research experimental weapons.

Let’s start with Directed-Energy Weapons (all of which either exist today, or are currently in development):
-Lasers that instantly blind you, regardless of wether your eyes are open or closed. 
-Electromagnetic radiation that suffocates you and gives you seizures.  
-Pulsed-Energy Projectile weapons emit an infrared laser pulse which produces rapidly expanding plasma at the target, causing intense sound, shock and electromagnetic waves that stun the target, resulting in pain and temporary paralysis. 
-High Power Lasers that generate enough heat to easily cut through metal, obliterate flesh.

German WWII Sonic Cannon:
-During the early 1940′s, Axis engineers developed a sonic cannon that could literally shake a person apart from the inside. What. The. Fuck. Nazis.

Nikola Tesla’s “Teleforce” Weapon:
-Basically the mother of all crazy death rays. Can instantly destroy entire fleets of airplanes and infantry. Luckily his schematics for the particle beam were dependant on four inventions that no government cared to produce. But his plans are still out there…

Also, the most terrifying of all:
-Handguns that shoot floppy flaccies.

Yours,
Kyle “Seriously, Do Yourself A Favour And Research Kittens Instead” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (6)

Sweet Deal, Philip Diehl

March 4th, 2011

Guys, there is some seriously interesting info about ceiling fans on Wikipedia, the Internet’s Most Un-Citable Encyclopedia. 
Let’s start from the top (of the ceiling). 
The first ceiling fans only had two blades! What?? By World War I everyone smartened up and doubled the blades on those bitches, effectively doubling their effectiveness. 
Then, by the end of World War II, everyone lost their minds again and ceiling fans fell out of vogue in the United States, and all but disappeared until the 1950′s. How the heck was everyone pushing air either up or down from the ceiling (depending on the angle of the fan blades)??
Thank God for the 1970′s! The energy crisis brought about a resurgence in the popularity of ceiling fans, since they were a low energy consumption alternative to air conditioners. 
But guess what happened y’all, the 1990′s rolled around and everyone forgot about our old friend the ceiling fan. Once-standard features (such as solid wood blades, built-in variable speed-dials, high-quality stator/rotor (“stack”) motors, and die-cast steel construction) were being largely replaced by cheap, standardized parts. Holy fuck what a bummer!

DON’T WORRY! THIS STORY HAS A HAPPY ENDING SORT OF!

Since 2000 there have been important inroads made by companies offering higher price ceiling fans with more decorative value. So now not everyone can own one, but at least they’re still being made. 

Yours,
Kyle “Why Don’t They Teach University Courses About This” Gatehouse

COMMENT (0)

It Looks Kind Of Like A Wet Cigarette

February 25th, 2011

Imagine if a mouth actually looked like this?

Well you don’t have to imagine, just look at it, genius.

Yours,
Kyle “Tricked You With Words” Gatehouse

p.s.  I was cool with all the talking dinosaurs, and the birds that could peck through stone, and the incredibly hot wives, but I’m sorry, there is no way you could drive a wood/stone car using only your feet for propulsion. Even if there were four people in the car, and their body weight/leg muscle ratio was at its optimum, that shit would not move anywhere near as fast as Fred needs it to in order to get to work in the mornings. Like, put a saddle on a pterodactyl or something. Anything. And just fucking eat that stupid cat! No way would I let a pet kick me out of my house. Yeah right no way get real. Grow up.

COMMENTS (1)

Dental Dong

February 21st, 2011

Welcome to the second and final “Dental Health Week: Sunday” here at Kyle’s Kool Komiks Korner!

Brushing your teeth is important because television commercials are full of people with healthy smiles.
Imagine this scenario, you smart alec: You and your dumb girlfriend are sitting in a coffee shop talking about something (who cares), when suddenly, on the television in the corner, appears an ad for Canesten. You, without thinking, spew forth, “Wow, she’s got a really fresh smile”. 
“What’s that supposed to mean?” shoots back your bristly broad.  ”Am I not “fresh” enough for you?”
“I, what? No, I was talking about her teeth, they’re very clean vagina– I mean white!”

And now look what you’ve gone and done.

Moral: It’s sort of unclear if stupid guy was trying to imply that his stupid girlfriend should brush her teeth or her south mouth, so it’s hard to come up with a moral for this one.

Yours,
Kyle “Creative Writing Major” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (1)

Dapper Dirty Dicker

February 18th, 2011

When James Bond orders his martini “shaken, not stirred”, he is actually ordering a Bradford. Let’s set the record straight here. 
Boring Bond Fact: Roger Moore used the phrase, “shaken, not stirred”, in one episode of The Saint, eight years before he played James Bond himself!

Okay, I actually got excited while typing that out, so let’s strike “Boring Bond Fact” from the record, and set it straight by renaming it: “Time-Travelling Roger Moore Fact About Lines About Martinis”.

Tune in next week when we set the record straight about bent records: Do they suffer in sound quality?

Yours,
Kyle “The Straight Record” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (2)

“Creamy Snuff” Is Popular With Indian Women

February 14th, 2011

Many commercial toothpastes contain a chemical called Triclosan, which can combine with the chlorine found in tap water to form chloroform, which the United States Environmental Protection Agency classifies as a probable human carcinogen. 

Also, fluoride-containing toothpaste can be acutely toxic if swallowed in large amounts. 

Also also, the inclusion of sweet-tasting but toxic diethylene glycol in Chinese-made toothpaste led to a multi-nation and multi-brand toothpaste recall in 2007.

Also x3, sometimes there are long, squishy dicks in toothpaste tubes. Some have cited this as a benefit. 

Yours,
Kyle “Tooth-Truth Bombs” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (2)

Marlboro Boytoy

February 11th, 2011

As of 2002, approximately 5.5 trillion cigarettes are produced globally each year. But I’d rather talk about Shaq.

Do you remember when he was a big deal? Like he was on lunchboxes and animated television shows and he had those two movies, Steel and Kazaam? Do you remember how I owned and proudly displayed a poster of Steel for years right above my bed in my room (in my love shaq)?

Which of his four dazzling hip-hop albums is your favourite? I’m partial to the cover art on Respect, but “Biological Didn’t Bother” off Shaq Fu is, in my opinion, Shaq’s magnum opus. It reveals Shaq’s oft overlooked sensitivity, with verses like: “Yo, Yo, I want to dedicated this song to Philip Arthur Harrison, Word up, cause he was the one who took me from a boy to a man, so as far as I’m concerned, he’s my father cause my biological didn’t bother” consistently bringing me to tears.

Biological Didn’t Bother YouTube link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNJtxvObp_o

Shaquille O’Neal’s past and present nicknames include:
“Shaq”, “The Diesel”, “Shaq Fu”, “The Big Aristotle”, “The Big Daddy”, “Superman”, “The Big Agave”, “The Big Cactus”, “The Big Shaqtus”, “The Big Galactus”, “Wilt Chamberneezy”, “The Big Baryshnikov”, “The Real Deal”, “Dr. Shaq” (after earning his MBA), “The Big Shamrock”, “The Big Leprechaun”, “Shaqovic” and more recently, “The Big Conductor” (of, I assume, Basketball Trains).

Yours,
Kyle “More Than You Asked For” Gatehouse

COMMENTS (1)
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