Good Burger, Kenan Thompson. Well Done.

February 7th, 2011

Let’s all imagine that the lightcycles from Tron were actually hamburgers, and that instead of deadly lazer walls, they left a trail of grease and mustard that was sort of dangerously slippy.
Then let’s all hold hands and imagine that Neo from The Matrix was actually a big talking french fry, and that instead of saying “woah” when he did something cool, he said “ketchup”.
Then if we’re really lucky, let’s imagine that the Predator from Predator had a bendy soda straw for a mouth instead of his weirdo vagina flaps.

Our fantastic fast food fantasy is finished! Let’s eat!

Kyle “Sci Fi Improvements” Gatehouse


Bonus Krafty Komik Fryday!

February 4th, 2011

What a fun funny Friday! 
Let’s all slow down for a cotton-pickin’ second and put our pee-pees to pasture in lieu of a krappy kaktus komik!
If you’re really jonesin’ for a new floppy flaccy, check back on Monday to fix that fix!

Ten more wonderful wobblers and I’ll be putting together my museum proposal package and posting the results of my foray into the art world right here on this blog page. 
Things are really heating up to a manageably exciting temperature!

Kyle “Mixing It Up, The Mix-Master” Gatehouse


Fire Guydrant

January 31st, 2011

New Yorker style comic: A man is vocally confused as to why his dog isn’t interested in sniffing a fire hydrant (example: “why aren’t you sniffing that hydrant, phil?”). The dog is using his iPhone Piss Pump App to find the nearest hydrant with the best looking bitches’ piss all over it. Or something else that’s boring and ironic and poorly drawn.

Okay wait, here’s another one. A fire hydrant is on fire and he’s all: “woah, this is ironic and boring and poorly drawn”. Also there’s a guy on a desert island and another guy in a therapist’s office, and then a corporate boss saying something sardonic.

p.s. Modern fire hydrants killed the bucket brigade system.

Kyle “I Kept Thinking About Hydras But Couldn’t Figure Out How To Work Them In” Gatehouse


An Innie Outie

January 28th, 2011

In Indian culture, a dimpled navel is considered a special asset of a prospective bride, and an important quality of any budding Bollywood actress. 
In Western culture, a dimpled navel is something I’ve never heard of before. Let’s pretend it looks like the above. It would be an important quality in any budding Bellyporn actress.

As navels are scars, and not in any way defined by genetics, they can serve as a way of distinguishing between identical twins in the absence of other identifiable marks. Why this hasn’t been exploited in twin-based teen horror romps is beyond me.
Picture this: a group of sexy twenty-somethings go camping in the woods. One by one, they begin to disappear. Tony sees Ashley drag a lifeless, blood-soaked Samantha into the darkness. Upon returning to the cabin, Tony finds Ashley asleep in bed. Convinced of her guilt, Tony ties her up and the remaining sexy twenty-somethings interrogate her. Frustrated by her pleads of innocence, they “take it too far” and beat her to death. Their violent camping nightmare at an end, the group are deciding what to do with Ashley’s body when suddenly the window behind Carlos shatters and he is pulled screaming into the night. The group race into the woods in hot pursuit, following the trail of beads from Carlos’ broken ethnic necklace. The trail leads them to a cave, whereupon they discover a grisly gorefest, the denizen of the true killer, her den of zen decorated by the sexy broken bodies of their dead companions. What’s this?? The killer is Ashley?? But Ashley is dead! 
Cut to a montage of previous scenes that clearly show (by way of navel close ups) Ashley’s evil twin secretly integrating into the group. They thought they were talking to Ashley, but it was her twin! Ashley was around too, but the twin was just around when Ashley wasn’t. The montage clears this all up and at the end the audience is like: holy shit, there were a lot of exposed midriffs, what a wicked movie.

Kyle “The Movie Will Be Called: In Or Out At Bikini Lake” Gatehouse


Hallux Bollocks

January 24th, 2011

-Toe Rings: Most Popular in India.
-Anklets: Most Popular in Bedouin.
-Seashell Anklets and Frosted Tips: Most Popular in mid 90′s California.
-Henna Tattoos for Bunyons: New Business Idea, don’t steal please. Be proud of your freak feet, more surface area for geckos and spiral dragon tats. #summerbeachfashion #temporarycommitments 
-When people who have no arms get married do they use wedding toe rings? Remember that video of that armless person on I think Oprah who could like play piano with his feet and have a sort of regular life despite not being regular at all? #inspiring

Both Ashton Kutcher and Dan Aykroyd suffer from syndactyly affecting the feet, also known as WEBBED FUCKING TOES, Y’ALL. Believe.

Kyle “Feet Are Useless Hands” Gatehouse


John Landis Mason: Jar Superstar

January 21st, 2011

Dudes and girls too, reduce your sodium intake by buying salt shakers with fewer or smaller openings at the top!
Ladies and also men, did you know that Zebras migrate a really stupid huge distance just to lick salt off the ground?
Boyfriends and girl tommy-boys, that mini Shai-Hulud poops eye-changing spice into your salt Dunes.

Kyle “I Miss You Chani, My Desert Princess” Gatehouse


Miracle Mike

January 17th, 2011

Interested in Jerk Chicken? Interested in a fulfilling conversation with an aging caribbean couple? 
Voilà: Caraïbe Delite

Their peanut punch is particularly pungent.

Kyle “They Don’t All Have To Be Funny” Gatehouse


Permanently Modified Reflow Oven

January 14th, 2011

In 1925 the Waters Genter Company introduced the Model 1-A-1 Toastmaster (badass), the first automatic pop-up (cool), household toaster that could brown bread on both sides simultaneously (!!!), set the heating element on a timer (great idea), and eject the toast when finished (toast:mastered).
Waters Genter Company, nice one I guess, but where are you now?
“If the things you did yesterday still impress you today, then you haven’t done much today”: Motivational High School Poster Becomes Retroactive Corporate Wisdom. 

Things that would be fun to toast:
-An envelope with a letter in it (the letter is from your dad)
-Pop-Tart box
-A different, smaller toaster
-My DVD of Enter The Dragon
-Jim Carrey because he’d be wacky about it
-Matt R’s hand (tie him down)
-Vajazzle Beads
-Toast (for to get Double Toast)

Kyle “Roast Master” Gatehouse


Philips V2000

January 10th, 2011

It was believed that using a VCR to rewind your VHS tapes could lead to kinks in the tape, which would corrupt playback.
VHS tape rewinder machines were marketed as a safe alternative, to preserve the integrity of those beloved VHS tapes you planned on watching and re-watching.
However some VHS tape rewinder brands suffered from frequent abrupt stops, which occasionally lead to tape and/or film damage, rendering their entire existence almost as idiotic as my large collection of VHS tape rewinders.

Fun Fact: You can store up to 5 GB of computer information on VHS tapes using a number of different systems, such as those developed by American companies Corvus and Alpha Microsystems. ArVid was also widely used in Russia, while Backer was popular in England.

Fun Experiment: Back up your computer porn on top of your old VHS porn tapes. New and old porn meet in a hairy/shaved hi/lo def obsolete/weirdly-still-relevant fuck format.

Gonna go watch my JVC VHS of JCVD (bootlegged, don’t tell him or he’ll legboot me).

Kyle “Ninja Turtles Is For Sure My Most Watched VHS” Gatehouse

p.s. Okay maybe Judge Dredd.


Trail Glazin’

January 7th, 2011

This one is a doughnut with a dick in it.

Kyle “Can’t Wait To Send These To All The Museums” Gatehouse

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