A Whole Bunch of Disgusting Food Onamonapias

May 15th, 2011

Food should always be eaten in silence. I envy deaf people, who never have to listen to the sickening sounds of overripe fruit squeezed through teeth and jowls, the squishy clatter of buttered corn mangled from its cob, snotty oysters gargled down undulating throats. I’m making myself sick writing this stuff. Here’s my list of the worst food sounds!

Macaroni Salad. As the spoon dives into the glisten-y noodles, the shifting and reconfiguration will squish and squidge around. I imagine it’s the sound a fat person’s intestines make when a fat person runs. I’ve had nightmares of Scrooge McDuck swimming around in his silo of coins, except instead of coins, its macaroni salad.   

Popcorn. Unbuttered popcorn screeches through your teeth, like biting into Styrofoam. Next time you’re in a movie theatre, attune your ears to the chalkboard chewing sounds and you’ll likely go insane.  

Peaches. There’s a slurping involved with eating peaches, plums and nectarines. Which in itself isn’t gross, but peaches are too often associated with vaginas. So watching my grandmother sucking down a peach is pretty much the grossest thing ever.


Blackened Swan and the Bucket List

May 12th, 2011

More and more, people are coming up to me and telling me about how they ate crocodile, or kangaroo steak, or a toucan burger. As if they were fulfilling some imaginary Bucket-List-menu of esoteric animals. But their excitement quickly recedes when they’re asked about its taste, their answers falling somewhere between “like conveyor belt” to “memory foamy”.

Not enough animals are being hunted that would catch my attention on a restaurant’s table d’hôte. The following is my animal entrée Bucket List:

Swan.  This one just makes sense. We eat every other stupid wade-and-look-pretty bird, why not this one? Because it’s beautiful and kind of sexy? Like the Jessica Lange of the bird family? Not good enough. Next Christmas, make it Swan, Grandma.

Anteater/Armadillo/Aardvark. Despite the cartoon characters on Arthur or maybe because of them, I’ve developed a hankering for some hairless meat that isn’t pig. Hook us up Mexico!

Owl. It would just be cool to eat owl.

Dinosaur. If ever we were going to Jurassic Parkify some dinosaurs, it should be for cooking curiosity only, not for entertainment. I’ve sat through too many episodes of the Flintstones not to be jealous of their dino-diet. Don’t let us down, Science.

Here’s Arthur with a mouth-watering aardvarked Matt Damon!


Is it a Boy or a Girl… or a Tapeworm?

May 8th, 2011

When something is living inside your body, your diet becomes a primary concern. Its health and development are of the utmost importance. The following is a list of things to remember when hosting a tapeworm.

The tapeworm doesn’t have a mouth. It absorbs the host’s food by diffusion and active transport. And its waste goes back to your stomach the same way. So eat smart because your body will be processing pre-processed shit.

You are likely to develop anorexia when hosting a tapeworm, so make sure to house your worm during the summer months. This means smaller pant sizes and a slammin’ bikini bod.

When the tapeworm is fully grown, and too big for your intestines, it will repel from your intestines and squirm out of your anus. Be sure to shit somewhere near a cow or elephant, so that your tapeworm has a cosier home. You are likely to have a tearful goodbye with your impermanent friend, as its girth and scales will grate and scuff your ass’s lining.



For the Asian inside all of our Moms

May 5th, 2011

How many times have you surprised your mom with a boring old breakfast for Mother’s day? More bacon and eggs. Or a batch of soggy, undercooked waffles, doused in powdered sugar to cover your mistakes. Or some half-assed blueberry pancakes, where the berries have burst and dyed your batch blue, having obviously forgotten what you learned in Home-Ec. This year, try something different for Mother’s day, something alien and mysterious. Try something Asian.

Asians have a flair for the dramatic. Where else can you go and watch your chef prepare your food a few feet away, tossing and juggling knifes as sharp as his wit. With enough practice, you too can perform for your Mom this Mother’s day. Bring a chair close to the stove or barbecue and whiz sharpened blades toward her face. Then make her laugh uproariously with your dead-on Asian accent, courtesy of the International Dialect of English language Archive (IDEA).

Nyotaimori sushi or Body Sushi is hotter than ever. In chintzy restaurants and shoddy bachelor parties all over the world, people are serving your rolls atop and around the nipples, breasts, pits and pubes of some young Asian woman. What better way to celebrate Mother’s day than to strip down to your birthday suit and enlist your siblings or your dad to cover you with sushi? Make it a mother’s day she won’t soon forget by serving her raw fish draped over your penis.

In New York this year, Indonesian and Malaysian cuisines are getting a lot of attention. Introduce these exotic dishes into your home this Mother’s day. Start off with a hearty xiao long bao, and then serve up a delicious Ayam Taliwang, or maybe Bakwan Malang, or a Cakalang Fufu. Strong flavors of belecan and kecap manis abound! Hmm.



The Gastric Harlem Globetrotters

May 1st, 2011

Popular Culture has offered us countless representations of foodies, gluttons and gourmands over the years. From Hannibal Lector to the Cookie Monster to the Crane Brothers, any fictional food lover could deftly compliment the kitchen staff of any four-star restaurant. Which begs the question: who would I want on my team?

On appetizers, I’d want Theodore from the Chipmunks. He has a delicate palate and a playful creativity which lends itself to thoughtful amuse-bouches and bold combinations. He’s sensitive and careful which perhaps doesn’t lend itself to handling the main dishes. In the made-for-TV-special, A Chipmunk Christmas (1981), Theodore had stressed about making a Christmas dinner for Dave and his brothers. Too immature to head the kitchen, but a perfect sous-chef.

Head Chef would go to Mama Joe from the movie Soul Food (1997). Matriarch Mama Joe kept her family together with her down-home cooking and no-bullshit attitude. She would do the same for my kitchen. Let’s pretend she isn’t dying of diabetes.

And for Desserts, there were many contenders. Honey-loving pooh bear and the Cookie Monster were eliminated for their narrow fields. The Witch from Hansel and Gretel had been considered for her architectural ingenuity, but in the end, Tum Tum from the 3 Ninjas (1992) was selected for his integrity, strength and bravery, invaluable skills honed under the tutelage of Master Mori Shintaro.



To Dine, Perchance to Dash

April 27th, 2011

Food simply tastes better when it’s stolen. Like sex in public, the adrenaline rush, the possibility of getting caught enhances the flavours of any meal. But dining and dashing is no longer for the hard up. Indeed, only the most sincere food enthusiasts dodge a bill for the sake of flavour.

That being said, you want to find somewhere busy. The waiting staff should be struggling a little bit. This will be tough, because as any diner and/or dasher knows, your waiter or waitress foots your bill when you skip out. But don’t feel bad. A waiter can make up to two hundred dollars in tips a night. That’s not even including their salary. They can afford to pay your dinner (or you and a friend (or friends)).

In fact, sometimes the meal might even taste better the more damaging the crime. Imagine a cozy little family-owned restaurant. Their dishes are prepared with love and warmth. Never in their lives, would they think someone would enjoy their humble cuisine and slink out without paying. Imagine their disenchantment; their faith in humanity dashing out their door beside you. If you’re anything like me, your mouth is watering at the very idea.

Be warned. Stealing from ethnic restaurants is tricky. You don’t know how deftly that Vietnamese sous-chef might wield a throwing knife, nipping you at the ankles on your way out the door. Think about which race would be most likely to poison your food. Is it really worth it? Or maybe that excites you even more…



Seperate Water Fountains for your Meat and Your Potatoes

April 21st, 2011

After Wolrd War II, Americans were encouraged to consume like never before. This was of course to coax the economy, but also to exact a rigid control over the American population. And nowhere was this control more evident than in the invention of the TV dinner.

TV dinners moved families away from the dining room, discouraging conversation and dialogue. But, more importantly, the subtle partitions of the microwave dinner had an even greater impact on our society.

If indeed we are what we eat, then we are a society of bigots. These partitions are symbols of our boundaries, our imposed restrictions, a symbol of our civil unrest. The grooves seperating your turkey from your corn mirror the walls seperating the blacks from the whites.

What is the Berlin wall if not a large scale TV dinner?

The concept has worked so well, that it has since been introduced to other more suppressive environments: prisons, high school cafeterias, Indian restaurants.

It is time to tear down the walls that seperate our foods and the walls that seperate us from each other.  


Special Guest Blog Post

April 18th, 2011

Hungry for another Matt G blog? Head on down to KylesKoolKomicKorner for a special food-related Matt G blog!


Death Penalty Etiquette

April 15th, 2011

Gastronomically speaking, death row inmates are the luckiest people in the world. No meal is more important than your last. Often, it must encapsulate everything beautiful and joyous about a world that has marginalized and ignored you. The right last meal can bring a more resonant calm than any priest or reverend.

Important things to remember when deciding on your last meal. Firstly, you want to make things a little difficult for the prison and its chefs. Nobody’s last meal should be an easy order, no matter how much you like grilled cheese or Kraft Dinner. This is your last chance to buck the system. The Man wants you to ask for KFC before you die, don’t give the bastards the satisfaction. Have something sent for, or flown in. Be bold.

Secondly, don’t ask for anything they can potentially fuck up. Too many inmates have asked over-complicated dishes that even highly competent chefs get wrong, and then they’re sent to their deaths, forever dissatisfied. Better to order a great three-star meal than a mediocre four-star one.  

Don’t be afraid to send it back. You have rights. If they overcook your steak, they are legally obligated to cook you up a new one. There is an entire section in the Charter of Rights on the last meal: what your rights are as a death-sentenced patron of the prison. So do yourself a favor and brush up on it.

Nostalgi-factor. Nothing tastes better than Mama’s meatloaf, or Mama’s lasagna, or Mama’s sweet potato pie. If she’s still alive, nothing would make your Mama happier than cooking you one last special dinner. You can’t go wrong with a homegrown staple, unless of course, you murdered your whole family.


Resuscitate Mealtime with your Favorite Medicine

April 7th, 2011

It all started with the Flaming Homer, revolutionizing mixology with a new delicious ingredient: cough syrup. It’s nearly twenty years later and cough syrup has finally found its way into mainstream cuisine. Here are a few tantalizing recipes with children’s medicine taking center stage!

Duck with a blackberry Dimetapp sauce
As any child knows, cherry dimetapp is tart and stringent. But grape Dimetapp is timeless, evoking memories of staying home from school and playing videogames in your PJs. Pair it with a plump duck breast and let the tangy medicine-y flavours dance on your tongue.  

Pecan Buckley’s Pie
They should change Buckley’s motto to “it tastes awful, but its delicious in a pie”. The subtle tastes of Canada Balsam wood and Pine needle oil are complimented perfectly by the butter and pecans. Perfect those cold winter nights by the fire. Close your eyes and imagine it’s frontier times when everything tasted like conifers.

Amoxicillin Curry Chicken
This one will be a little harder to make. Amoxicillin is the prescription-only banana flavored antibiotics you used to have bouncing in your mother’s arms, sobbing from a dreadful ear-infection. You might have to forge a doctor’s signature or pinch a little from your toddler’s stash, but it’s worth the trouble. Try Amoxicillin with spicy curry for a tropical sensation!

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