Iodining Out

April 3rd, 2011

Since the devastating tragedy in Japan, I have heard many people uttering the words “well, I’m not eating sushi anymore”.

You poor ignorant fucks.

This is your chance to develop mutant super powers. The concentration of radioactive iodine is twice the legal limit. According to Japanese officials, these levels are not high enough to harm humans, “but may be high enough to endow an individual with superhuman strength or invisibility or shit like that”.

Ever since news broke of the leak at the Fukushima nuclear power plant, I have been making regular visits to my favourite sushi place, replenishing my body with calculated measures of iodine. A sophisticated palate will appreciate the subtle sharpness of a radioactive sashimi roll. You will likely detect hints of pencil crayon, Dramamine and in the Fresh water Tuna, a delicate drop of Lucite.

I’ve already started to notice a change. I’m sleeping a lot more, and then I’m still tired during the day. The headaches are getting deeper, and yet sharper. And then I think to myself, this is probably how Gambit feels or Havoc or Jubilee.

Anyway, I’ll keep you guys updated. If you want superpowers too, join me at my favourite sushi place: Sushi Shoten on Parc Ave. in Montreal.


Suk-Suiy’s Smile

March 31st, 2011

Stroll through the aisles of any mega-mart grocery store and you are greeted by the friendliest faces. I’m not talking about the employees, who are almost always miserable shlubs. Actually, I’m referring to the logos and spokespeople of our favorite products.

Cereal boxes, soups and rice packets. Pastas, coffees and toilet paper. We are greeted with a smile at every turn. Sadly not every grocery store can boast such a happy ensemble.

Asian markets and grocery stores feature strange and wonderful products adorned with beautiful geishas, Rayden-like fishmongers, and mystical creatures of the sea. And yet no one is smiling. These characters stare out blankly, following the patrons like portraits in a haunted castle.

Chef Boyardee is a timeless icon, representing overweight Italians everywhere, proudly wearing a glorious smile neath his swirling moustache. Aunt Jemima, a symbol of matriarchal syrupy wisdom, strength and warmth in the face of adversity. If she can smile, why can’t Suk Suiy, the crimson octopus for Mangmangmoy food company? Suk Suiy simply holds out his eight arms, presenting his pickled beet root with icy indifference.

And Madam Liushu Leiho Hung symbolizes nothing more than humorless determination and steadfast food preparation. Not even her cleavage, stern and jagged, makes her line of stir-fry sauces any more appealing.


Dog Day Afternoon Snack

March 27th, 2011

They say it’s a dog eat dog world. Don’t you think it’s time we get in on some of that action? We’ve been missing out on a healthy, delicious meat for far too long.

With thousands of different species out there, there are endless recipes and flavour combinations. Try a little husky with a whiskey-apple compote. The meat from a Husky’s shoulder is surprisingly tender and compliments beautifully the smoky leathery notes of a Scotch Whiskey.

Logic would dictate that the lazier the dog, the tastier the meat. But that isn’t necessarily true. The laziest dog species are often skinny ratty little creatures like Japanese Chins or Greyhounds. The exception however is the bulldog and its close relatives. Bullmastiffs are giant stupid creatures that are just begging to be ripped apart and devoured.  Try a Bullmastiff with rosemary and roasted parsnip.

Lhasa Apso with barley and leek. Irish Setter stew with garlic and sweet potatoes. A Braque Francais with a peppercorn blue cheese drizzle. The possibilities are endless!



A Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B

March 24th, 2011

The greatest chefs are able to recognize a food’s untapped potential, bringing out the best from a particular ingredient by re-contextualizing it or pairing it with complimentary flavours. The following is my list of 2011’s most underused foods.

Fortune cookies.
These delicious, clairvoyant little snacks are more versatile than we give them credit for. Filing them as mere dessert fare is an affront to the Asian culture and to your taste buds. Forego the fortune and you’re left with a delicious shell that is just begging to be filled with whatever your heart desires. Double the recipe, make a giant shell and stuff it with your favorite chicken salad recipe. I can see your future, tonight its fish tacos inside a fortune cookie for dinner. What a treat!

Sound the horns! Bugles are the hottest new trend! Stuff your bugles with a crab and avocado mélange at your next party and watch them disappear. How about Teriyaki trumpets! These tasty corn chip snacks are no longer sold in Canada, so make a run south of the border and herald in these salty sensations!

Meringue is another delicate substance exiled to the isle of désert. But it’s already a close relative to the egg-white omelet, so why not make these siblings have sex with each other? How about a meringue omelet? Want to liven up your egg salad sandwich? Make it a meringue salad sandwich.



Pennies for Julia

March 20th, 2011

There’s an old Medieval tradition to stuff your puddings or cakes with some money, usually just one silver coin for some lucky sod. But for my cousin’s birthday this week, I wanted to do her one better. I baked a cake with 36 dollars worth of change in it.

Nobody knew what or how much was in the cake except me. The cake was decorated to look like a bright copper penny. Pretty smart, eh? I said to her, “there’s a special surprise in that cake there, Julia. Can you guess what it is?”

She’s 7 years old and has a vivid imagination. She kept guessing retarded things like bugs, gerbels, walnuts. This is when my mom leaned over and asked, “Did you put a penny in that cake?”

“Ah, ah, ah” I said. “I’m not telling”

“Matthew, if you did, you need to tell her. She could choke.”

But she didn’t choke. Instead when she pierced that cake with her fork, Julia struck gold. “Smarties?’ she asked. ”No, not smarties.” It took twenty minutes, but she  found all 2565 pennies, the 36 dimes and every last one of the 135 nickels, sucking on all of them to extract them from the fluffy, creamy, coppery batter.

Happy Birthday Julia!


Have your Vindaloo and Eat it Too

March 16th, 2011

Here’s a helpful tip for all you monogamous foodies out there! Surprise your girlfriend with an elaborately prepared Indian dinner, making sure to fill your home with all of the pungent spicy fragrances. Then afterwards, take your girlfriend up into the bedroom, dim the lights, let the heady bouquets take you away and then suddenly you’ll be fucking an Indian girl.

This little trick works with all sorts of races and cultures. Try Vietnamese one night, making dishes reeking of cardamom and Lemongrass. Or maybe South American. Polish. Cambodian. Turn your bedroom into a U.N. Summit!

And if your girlfriend catches on, no need to feel guilty. It’s not like you were thinking about a particular individual, you were thinking about an entire race. Who knows? She might even play along, in which case, may I suggest dressing her up in appropriate cultural attire. Maybe Get her to try an accent.

Explore the world!


America the Beautiful

March 13th, 2011

For food lovers, the United States offers up some of the world’s best cuisine. From New England’s seafaring cookery, to the spice and excitement of the Cajuns, to the Soul Food of the African Americans. Any vacation down south is remembered first and foremost for its food. And when people tell me about their trips, I hang on their every word, extracting whatever pleasures I can from their descriptions of the food—the aromas, the textures. And then, invariably, things turn ugly. Any talk about food in America turns into a talk about obesity in America. “But my god,” they’ll say, “you look around the restaurant, and there are so many fat people”. And they’ll describe these overweight patrons with the same vigour and relentlessness as they did the food, ruining whatever imaginary meal I was having in my head. Suddenly I am in the restaurant myself, trapped at a table with Eddie Murphy’s Klumps and listening to them chew, squish and sputter. Obesity is literally eclipsing the sunlight that is American cuisine, and it’s us, the people who listen to other people’s stories about their vacations to the United States, who are suffering the most.


Dairy Counterattack

March 10th, 2011

Here at MattandKyleandMatt, we’ve had a long-standing war on Dairy, often remarking that it is unquestionably the most disgusting of the food groups: the way a brick of cheese will crimp and sink into an orange mould of your bridgework, or the slimy remnants of yogurt that stubbornly cling to your spoon, or how a grown man will demean himself into licking every part of his ice cream cone, including the cone itself, the napkin, his wrist. Even those who can tolerate public displays of affection are dsigusted by a make-out session with dripping cream. The following is in response to the recent Dairy assault in the media, and another chapter in our long-standing Dairy feud. 

Is anyone the least bit surprised at the recent announcement of breast milk ice cream on sale in London. Women are dedicating their lactic essence to feeding the birtish population, solidifying the country’s reputation for poor food choices. The flavour is being called Baby Gaga, inspired by Lady Gaga, who when informed of the product reportedly “vomitted into her cupped hands”. 

For years, ice cream shops have been pulling similar tactics, creating flavours for dogs, cats and even lizards. What they don’t tell you is that, in 2007, ModernDog magazine reported that more dogs have died from fido-friendly ice cream than Parvo, heart tumors, and anal sac adenocarcinoma combined.  

I think my distaste for dairy started when I was in school, and my mom would stuff my packed lunches with gogurt tubes. Gogurt was a product whose commercials featured a montage of 12 year old boys sucking down rods of cream. Intentionally or not, it was phallic and it made me really uncomfortable. Call me a prude, but I don’t think 12 year olds should be glurping anything.

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Caulk in Mouth

March 6th, 2011

I swallowed a whole bunch of crazy crap when I was a kid. I suppose I have what people refer to as an oral fixation. I spent the larger part of my childhood with something besides food swishing around the inside of my mouth. But to be honest, some of the things I ingested were actually pretty tasty, with interesting shapes and textures. The following is a rundown of the weird shit I used to put in my mouth:

1. Marbles. This was my chewing gum from kindergarten to grade 4. But I wouldn’t ingest just any marbles. I would stay away from the cat’s eyes. And I wouldn’t touch the ones that looked like planets or galaxies, perhaps haunted by the notion that our whole universe existed inside a marble (thank you very much Men in Black). My favourites were the condiment-coloured marbles and the flat Chinese marbles, shaped like throat lozenges. I give the marbles a 4/5.

2. Window caulking. I guess I used to strip the windows in my house and shove the beige substance down my throat. If it tasted good, I would still be doing it. 1/5

3. Christmas tree light bulb. I think it was the shape that attracted me to the tiny bulbs on our tree. Reminiscent of those oblong Goodies candies, except the bulb didn’t taste like disgusting black licorice, so it couldn’t have been that bad. 3/5

4. A Bird Feather. Apparently, my mom turned around and saw me with a bird’s feather sticking out of my mouth. I wonder if for a split-second she thought I swallowed the whole bird like Sylvester the Cat or something. The texture itself is enough to award it some points. 3/5


Eating with Envy

March 3rd, 2011

It is an inexplicable phenomenon, but great food just tastes better when eaten in front of others. That combination of envy and self-satisfaction enhances the flavours and invigorates the tastebuds. But it also means potentially having to share your snacks, divy them up or parcel them out. You take the time and effort to bake your famous mayan chocolate cupcakes, you want to enjoy them in peace, but still bask in everyone’s jealousy without having to give any of them away. How can this be effectively achieved? By grossing everyone out.  Here are some clever solutions to turn people on, while siumltaneously turning them off: 

Band-aids. Cover your hands with band-aids and make sure to get the frabric ones, they really soak in the dirt and fray beautifully. Then, you can happyily offer up your cupcakes, making sure to handle the food with your band-aided digits.

Hair. You have several options with this tactic. If it’s a baked item, you can actually bake a strand of hair into the dessert. Bake one really long one and make sure it sticks out generously while baking, so that won’t be missed and accidentally ingested. Or, with a little practice, this unsightly maneuver can be pantomimed.

Dry-heaving. Nothing disturbs on-lookers more than very nearly throwing up while eating.

Other ideas include, flossing your teeth between bites, clipping your toenails while eating, excavating the gunk from your belly button. Basically any hygene-related activity that only you can tolerate. Enjoy!

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