A letter to Feather Industries

August 17th, 2011

Down

“Down-town Toronto! Do away with bad sleep: duvet with good sleep. Don’t put down down. Get down with down, down-town Toronto!”

I’ve got about a hundred other slogans and ad copy for you guys. But, here’s the thing, in order to gain access to my golden notebook I’m going to have to see some proof that your product is, in fact, the cream of the duck crop – that it’s primo stuff. Send me a small unmarked package of your finest, whitest fluff. I need a sample. But, if it’s as good as my associate says it is, think of this as a simple formality.

A little baggy of duck feathers is all I ask. And in return, you’ll get a book full of down-town gems like this: “I love down so much I’ve been diagnosed with down syndrome!” (The ad could feature a smiling picture of my cousin Ronnie).

Please mail your duck fluff to [...]

I am one hundred percent serious… I have a book full of duvet and down puns that are waiting to spread their wings and warm some hearts.

Thank you in advance, you won’t regret it!

Eternally yours,

Matthew Raudsepp


Check out their state of the art website (complete with FREE pictures of water fowl and sundry fauna for you to download and use as desktop wallpaper, low-resolution only!): www.featherind.com

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A gift from KC Fortune Cookie Factory

August 3rd, 2011

Hey kids! Check it out: a letter with mandarin oranges for postage stamps… It can only mean one thing: a gift coming all the way from the far east! The farthest east of all: Minneapolis, USA!

fortunes gift

It worked! The KC Fortune Cookie Factory sent me my fortunes, sans cookies… enough of them to last me a month! Fortunes include:

“You have a sense of the dramatic and a tendency towards display”. TRUE! Just look at the picture above. That’s a fan, people. Conjures an asiatic fan, doesn’t it? Yeah, that’s on purpose, kids.

“You have a good heart” and “You have riches in your heart”. FALSE! One of those two staments must be false. They’re contradictory. If my heart had riches in it (jewels, silver and gold, guys named Rich) I doubt I’d be alive. A heart is not a treasure chest. It can’t hold precious stones, metals and other people. However, the heart itself is a treasure inside a chest. Write THAT one on a fortune, kids.

“Use your charm and personality to your advantage”. TRUE! Did I not get some free stuff today?! And will I continue to reap what I sow on this blog? Yes and yes. *Charming wink* followed by an *appropriate smile hinting at my unique personality* (Could you picture it? Now THAT’s charm and personality, kids).

In conclusion, I give KC Fortune Cookie Factory’s customer service four and a half BloggToggs out of five. Half a point has been deducted until Chairman Kwan writes another one of his blog posts.

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A letter to the Canadian Carwash Association

July 30th, 2011

car babewash

My friends and I have a bet going. How many times has it happened: at your office Holiday Gift Exchange party, someone receives the gift of a calendar filled with images of bikini babes washing some dirty, dirty cars? My bet is once. My friend’s bet is anywhere from two times to infinity times. My other pal’s bet is that it has never happened, but it will (now that the idea has been presented to you).

Please let us know who is/will be right. We have an all expenses paid luxury car wash on the line here…

Cheers,

Matthew “lather my hubcaps” Raudsepp

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A response from KC Fortune Cookie Factory

July 27th, 2011

KC Fortune Cookie Factory got back to me pronto via email. Chairman Kwan did not respond himself (which is a real disappointment to me), but instead left it up to his marketing department – more evidence that he has “too little control” of his company [see: Chairman Kwan's last blog post]. No sign of him since his last post in January… where is he? I fear the worst.

fortune response

It all feels like dialogue between two diplomatic alien races on Star Trek. I immediately responded:


Oh, I am fortunate! Thank you, Rachele. Please let Chairman Kwan know how thankful I am. And please, remind him to post another piece on his blog. We are all awaiting his words.

If you could, send them to [...] And may joy continue to spread like the dough of your cookies.
Yours,
Matthew Raudsepp
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A letter to KC Fortune Cookie Factory

July 23rd, 2011

Fortune Cookie

Dear Chairman Kwan,

First off, let me say how much I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. Your last post on the subject of control really got me thinking. I have always said that control is like driving a car! How apt. However, your last post was in January… we need to know how you are doing on the subject of control. Have you slipped back into “too little control”? Please keep writing, I would very much appreciate it! We’re on the edge of our seats, Chairman Kwan.

Secondly, I am unable to digest fortune cookies. Unfortunately, my stomach lining no longer exists. I do, however, love reading fortunes. Could you find it in your heart to send me a few fortunes (paper only, no cookies)? It would brighten my otherwise dark day. If some of the fortunes have funny jokes on them that would be fine too. I’m not picky. Just make me smile to forget my stomach woes. Respite is very much needed for me these days.

I also am very interested in printing up some custom fortunes in the near future. Even though I cannot enjoy eating the cookies myself who’s gonna stop me from sharing them with friends? Do you ship to Canada, Chairman Kwan?

Thank you so much. And, as they say: “fortune smiles on the brave.” Keep writing, Chairman Kwan!

Sincerely,

Matthew Raudsepp


Here’s a link to Chairman Kwan’s blog. If you’re anything like me and love wisdom, then send our man Kwan a message asking for more posts!

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An open letter to online pants vendors

July 20th, 2011

To whom it may concern,

If your online shoppe sells pants AND shorts, then you can ignore this letter. If, however, your store only sells one of the two, be it a simple stand-alone shorts shop or a positively primo place for perusing pants, then please read on.

The issue is thumbnail photography (those little pictures showcasing items of interest, often organized in a large grid). I have no problem with the layout, or even the concept of displaying your wares in such a fashion. My problem lies with the cropping of the photography.

I tried to buy a pair of shorts online and received pants. Turns out that the thumbnail picture of the “shorts” I thought I was buying was cropped above the knee. A pair of pants was trick shot to pass as shorts. I got the pants in the mail weeks later and cut them off where the picture was cropped. Fine, I can crop that shit too. With scissors.

No, not fine. I tried ordering a head band online and – lo and behold – what came in the mail? A tuque. Exactly… the picture was cropped at the forehead. Not fine. Don’t get me started on other failed online shopping experiences: slip-on shoes, muscle shirts, ankle socks… the list goes on (all of which cropped at their respective borders where their identity changes and they become another article of clothing, where they jump into a new category of description).

Yes, your store might be called “Palace of Pants”, “Shorts Stop” or “No Headbands Here; Just Tuques!”, but we live in a hyper-visual age where we have no time to read anything. We rely on pictures.

Thanks for reading this. Oh, what’s that? You didn’t read my letter? Here’s a picture:

Pants or Shorts?

These are some shorts I bought. Guess what? They’re fucking pants and now I’m stuck with them. Thanks thumbnail cropping!

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A letter to Sylvania

July 16th, 2011

Dear Sylvania lightbulbs companie,

Yo, check this idea out: on Haloween all of your boxes should be changed to TranSylvania. Especialy the blacklights.

Hahaha the poeple will be screaming and buying your products. Your products will be flying off the shelfs. Lightbulb buyers will pay a million dollars for his fun. Trust.

I’ll take check. I know you don’t have the kind of cash on hand that my idea is worf.

-Matt Raudsepp

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A letter to Myspace.com

July 13th, 2011

To whom it may concern at Myspace,

I’m a long time fan of Myspace, but it seems that less and less people are using it with every passing day. A former Myspace friend of mine once messaged me that your site runs the risk of becoming a “worthless pile of sh*t that nobody, not even your r*tarded grandma, would buy”.

What is your current asking price?

Sincerely,

Matt Raudsepp

P.S. What do you think your asking price will be next year?

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“Hey Dad!” Bonus Clip

June 1st, 2011

This will all make sense if you watch our “Hey Dad!” video. (Did you catch the link in the previous sentence? It’s a different colour. If it opens in a new window you will automatically be entered to win that selfsame window!)

YouTube Preview Image

Stay tuned: I’ve got more exclusive content, I’ve got DVD menu bonus features, I’ve got bloopers (goofs and oopsies and haha-uhoh-haha-do-it-again’s from on set)… all on my blog: your one-stop spot for official MattandKyleandMatt.com behind the scenes material.

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Letters to chocolate bar brands

May 25th, 2011

There’s an old saying: you can’t make lemonade without life giving you free lemons. No, wait. The point I’m trying to make is this: don’t take the lemons. Listen, just because life is handing out lemons doesn’t mean that YOU have to acknowledge it. Pretend to be distracted. Maybe you were “busy” looking elsewhere. Perhaps your eyes were wandering up life’s arm, noticing that life has a weird tattoo. You’re trying to decipher life’s tattoo of an old car swinging from one of those big magnetic cranes commonly found at a junk yard – only, life seems to have asked the tattoo artist that, instead of a junk yard, he should make it an old folks home (it seemed really funny to life at the time). And, my friends, right when you start to laugh at life’s tattoo (at life itself), life will have given up on trying to get you to take some lemons off of its hands and will have moved on to deliver its cargo to the lemonade companies that actually need all that citrus. Wait, no. I remember what I was trying to say! The point was to set up my letters to various chocolate bar brands.

[write a funny segue before posting]


A letter to 3 Musketeers:

After some quick research using my internet computer, I discovered that the name of your chocolate bar dates back to pre-wartime decadence. In the past, your candy bar consisted of three pieces: chocolate, strawberry and vanilla. Escalating prices of wartime commodities forced you to kill the other two flavours and leave us with the single chocolate bar we are accustomed to today.

For the love of honesty, please change your name to “1 Musketeer”. You could add a subtitle: “Recent intelligence reveals that two of the Musketeers were killed during the war”. Or, for a simple, eye-catching summation of the whole story, you can print a warning on the wrapper stating “This Candy Bar May Contain The Ghosts Of Men Who Died For Their Country”.


A letter to KitKat:

J’ai acheté ton product thinking I buy a cat kit (all ingrédients pour create un cat the same way comme grow a package of Sea-Monkey). Do you know where is I can buying the true baby cat powder mixture and not a chocolate barre?


A letter to Aero:

I first became acquainted with your chocolate bar after a trip to Europe this past year. After a long flight home, and before collecting my luggage, I wanted to get a quick snack and spend the last of my foreign currency. I read the name on your wrapper quickly and assumed it was called “A euro”… However, the cashier corrected my mistake when I handed her the single coin. She proceeded to laugh like a maniac. Needless to say, I was made to feel like a fool. I put the candy down and walked right out of the aeroport, leaving my luggage behind.

One year has passed and I’ve still yet to try your candy bar. I can’t help but associate it with lost luggage. Thinking an Aero was a euro was an error.


A letter to Mars Bar:

Hello, I am a bartender from planet Earth who is interested in working in, presumably, your planet’s only watering hole. I’d like to be up front with you, I am not overly familiar with alien drinks. But, I am a fast learner and work very well in new atmospheres. Could you take my CV to your leader?

Psych! I’m just kidding. Did I get you? Were you thinking “Hey, is this guy for REAL?!?!” hahaha! I just wanted to say thanks for making one of my favourite chocolate bars in the whole universe. Send me coupons!

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