A letter to Newfoundland, Canada

May 18th, 2011

Newfoundland Contact Info

I love to travel. My last trip was to Swastika Lake, Saskatchewan. Let me tell you, the Canada Goose-stepping that I witnessed was overwhelming. A sight to see! Anyway, here’s a letter I wrote to the Government of Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada (note: all towns and places mentioned are 100% real. Google it):

Dear Newfoundland,

You are an attractive province. I’ve yet to visit your shores, but hot damn, do I ever want to. Your town names have firmly burned the image of frolicking nudists into my mind. I want in, Newfoundland.

In my spare time, I’ve been planning a trip to your province. My itinerary is still in the works, but here’s the tentative plan:

If Cupids strikes me I’ll start there. Next would be Frenchs Cove, with a strong intention to move on to Blow Me Down. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to move too fast through the land; I may end up in Come-By-Chance. If so, I’d have to avoid Placentia. However, if I do end up visiting Placentia there’s a high likelihood that my trip would end up in Conception Bay. This gets tricky when planning on sleeping around Virgin’s Arm (at which point Ass Rock may be the only option). Or, perhaps, Leading Tickles West until I made my way to Spread Eagle, working slowly down to Dildo (I would hope to see Exploits River as a result).

Is this trip sexy enough by Newfoundland’s standards? Or, are there any pre-existing XXX tour packages available?

Also, before I sign off, could you please send me some official town history from each of the locations listed above in my itinerary? It would be greatly appreciated! There isn’t much information online about the shoals at Ass Hill, for example.

Sincerely,

Matt Raudsepp

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A letter to Fred & Friends

May 14th, 2011

Cactus Pen

Dear Fred (and your innumerable friends),

I have owned your cactus pen for the last eight years. It has served me well. When other pens dry up, the cactus pen is always ready and gushing with ink. When my creativity dries up, the cactus pen is always ready (to take my mind off of writer’s block).

However, it is with a heavy heart that I write you with the news that my cactus pen has finally bit the dust and dried up. What frustrates me is that it’s a cactus! You’re not supposed to have to “water” it, it should have reserves of ink stored until the next downpour, no? What the hell?!

I loved that pen. What am I supposed to do now? I have never been good with plants, so I have real cacti. They are still alive as you read this (and I NEVER water them). I make it a point to see how long those suckers will last — longer than your pen, I can tell you that much.

Please send a refill cartridge. I have nothing left to say, my words have become like the husk of a dehydrated cactus: dry, dry, oh so very dry.

I remain yours, Fred, if only I receive the gift of a re-animated cactus pen,

Matthew Raudsepp

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A letter to Sennheiser

May 7th, 2011

Sennheiser 1

To the sound scientists at Sennheiser,

I have owned HD 280 pro headphones for over six years (does the “280″ refer to their price?). I have recorded two albums and countless songs using them to monitor in my home studio – I trust their sound (although, I could use a little more bass response). Most of all, I trust their silence.

Lately, I’ve been wearing them to sleep (sometimes I dream that my head is being gently held by the Michelin man as the soft cushions of the headphones massage my ears). As opposed to ear plugs, they offer just the right amount of ambient noise cancellation from the city outside my window to induce deep, deep sleep. As a result, I use them almost twenty four hours a day. Sennheiser, in my opinion, is the top headphone company I have ever tried.

Is there any way we can work together? I am in a rock band, Honheehonhee, that is playing festivals across Canada this summer and planning to film a bunch of music videos. I also have a website where I film short comedy videos. Let’s discuss some viral marketing, shall we? Did I just hear somebody say “yes”, or are my ears just damaged by excessive headphone listening?

Also, I am considering buying another pair of headphones as my current set is getting old and starting to show signs of wear. Do you have any recommendations? Are there newer models? Keep in mind that my needs are for professional music recording.

Thank you for being awesome, Sennheiser! Rock on.

Yours forever, or until I go deaf,

Matt Raudsepp (Sennheiser’s number one fan)

Sennheiser 2

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A letter to Astro

May 4th, 2011

Astro

To the hirsute helpers at Astro,

Today, while enjoying a short snack break from work, I found a hair in my yogourt. You’re probably saying to yourself: “How do I know that the hair isn’t your own?” Well, let me tell you this, Astro: the hair was sealed beneath your air-tight lid. I had to peel back your secure lid in order to reveal a hermetically sealed hair. Now, either this is an employee’s way of preserving his or her DNA for an indeterminate amount of time (predicting, very wrongly, that the culture in the yogourt will combine with their DNA and slowly grow into a clone of themselves), or, the employee is unnaturally hairy and can not stop their constant loss of hair (begging the question: “Why does this person work in your yogourt factory? Haven’t you noticed the employee who is always raining hair?”).

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe all of your yogourt comes with a free follicle. If that’s the case, then properly label your new brand “Hair Yogourt” and count me out.

I’ve honestly only ever bought one Astro product. Luck has it that I buy the one with the prize in it. Oh, wonderful.

Matthew Raudsepp

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A letter to Blockbuster

April 27th, 2011

RedBlue 3D

To whom it may concern at Blockbuster,

I recently bought a pair of your 3D paper eye glasses because it has come to my attention that pornography is now made exclusively in red and blue 3D. I tried it, I didn’t like it for the most part, and now I want my money back.

They say that pornography will make you go blind. That couldn’t have been further from the truth until 3D came along (which, in my opinion, must stand for “Devil Devil Devil”). These red and blue paper-framed eye glasses confuse the brain. One eye is seeing hot red hell while the other is seeing beneath the sea’s surface: a cold, dark and blueish world. This juxtaposition of ocular moods disorients the wearer to such a degree that I am truly worried for my sight. Watching pornography (with 3D glasses) will make you go blind. I am convinced. My head still hurts.

Please find enclosed my pair of blindness inducers. I expect some form of recompense from Blockbuster. The warning on the glasses reads “not for extended wear”. “Never wear” is more like it.

I am thinking about switching to Netflix as well,

Matt Raudsepp

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A gift from Velcro

April 23rd, 2011

Velcro Canada surprised me with a UPS package the other day. Anne Paré, you’re getting a stack of eight and half by eleven inch Velcro sheets! (When I opened them up to check them out, an unbelievable amount of dust and hair was sucked forth from my apartment and landed on the Velcro sheets. I didn’t have to dust or clean that day… That stuff is magic. Velcro should put out a line of “Swiffer-esque” cleaning products.)

Velcro's Gift

I give Velcro’s customer service five BloggToggs out of five.

COMMENT (0)

A response from Velcro

April 6th, 2011

Yeah, I guess there’s nothing funny about this one (except maybe correcting me that Velcro is the brand; “hook and loop” is the product). Now let’s see about those sample sheets of hook and loop…

Velcro Response

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A thank you to Post-it Notes

March 30th, 2011

Making tiny Post-it Note envelopes is harder than it looks. That strip of Post-it adhesive really got in my way. And, just like peanut butter toast, when you drop a Post-it Note it invariably lands sticky side down. Now that the hairs are off the Note, I’m gonna send 3M my tiny, sticky thanks.

Post-it Thanks

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A letter to Velcro

March 26th, 2011

I met Anne Paré recently at a concert my band was playing. She’s an artist working with Velcro canvases – something I hadn’t seen before. Here’s an example of her work, followed by a letter I wrote to Velcro:

Anne Paré

Dear Velcro,

I am in contact with an artist currently working on a new idea. She stitches Velcro strips together in order to create large canvases, which she then “paints” with string, yarn, and sundry fibers. The result is beautiful, however, the preparatory process of these canvases is so time consuming that the impulse to create is sometimes delayed its satisfaction.

Could you find it in your hearts to send us large enough sheets of Velcro to use as canvases? I see this as being quite mutually beneficial. People will see your product being used in a new and creative way, which I believe will garner a renewed interest in Velcro and have them running to you for supplies. We are desperately in need of patrons in the arts these days, and Velcro, I’m sure, could afford to send us a few sheets in order to help an artist develop her personal style. Anything will help.

We will be forever in your debt. Trust me on this one.

Sincerely,

Matthew Raudsepp

COMMENTS (2)

A gift from Post-it Notes

March 23rd, 2011

And suddenly, out of nowhere, 3M sends me this.

Post-it Notes gift

A gift from Post-it Notes

I give Post-it Notes’ customer service four BloggToggs out of five.

COMMENTS (6)
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