A letter to Taxidermy Training Unlimited

February 8th, 2011

Squirrel mount

To the artists and teachers at Taxidermy Training Unlimited,

I have recently come into a large amount of deceased squirrels. We get a lot of rain up around these parts and some local townspeople can oft’ be heard remarking that it’s raining “cats and dogs”. For me, it’s raining squirrels all over my front lawn.

Never feed your local squirrels fermented bananas. They eat ‘em up and get sick real quick, and, before you can say “nuts”, they just lie down and die in the middle of your front yard. Piles of ‘em. I’ve got me a wheelbarrow full of dead squirrels. And, sirs or madams, I intend to honor these little critters after what I’ve done to ‘em.

That’s why I’m writing you folks today. I internetly researched your weblinked site and stumbled upon your DVD, “Jean Roll’s Skinning, Mounting & Finishing A Competition Squirrel”. Thing is, I know absolutely nothing about the process of taxidermy. Could you please send me an introductory DVD on how to go about approaching my first attempt at taxidermy? If you don’t have any beginner videos, then I would greatly appreciate you sending me the aforementioned DVD (I’m surprised that Jean Roll can fit all that knowledge into only two DVDs).

In the very least, could you send me a pamphlet detailing the starters approach to readying a squirrel for its immortal journey into still life? Or a few photos to get me started? I’m at a loss here. And there are umpteen squirrels to attend to.

I appreciate your understanding with regards to the timely fashion in which a wheelbarrow full of squirrels must be dealt with before the smell gets into everything nearby (I am already trying to decide how to dispose of the wheelbarrow).

I will await your speedy reply. Until then, I remain,

Matt Raudsepp

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My reply to Fleche Fencing’s response

February 5th, 2011

Chainmail

Vlad, this is tremendous and very kind of you. If you have any specific ideas for the video, please do not hesitate to forward them to me. I want to make a video that we can all be proud of. So far my ideas include: magic-imbued chain mail, magic-imbued leather boots, and that regular foam sabre that can destroy magic-imbued anything.

Thank you for the sword! I will patiently await your return on February the seventh.

Until then, all the best,

Matthew Raudsepp Esq.

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A letter to Dominos Pizza

February 2nd, 2011

Dominoes

To whom it may concern at Dominos Pizza HQ,

People laugh at the toy domino glued to my baseball cap. They either check to see if I am aware there’s a domino stuck to my forehead, or they assume that I love setting up elaborate domino lines which I presumably topple for a brief and fleeting moment of “fun” (if I spent a week setting up dominos in painstakingly elaborate designs, I wouldn’t topple them. I’d leave them there until the next earthquake hit).

Point being, I don’t care about the toy or the game. I just love Dominos Pizza. I wear my homemade hat as proudly as I can, under the circumstances. Listen, I’ve looked everywhere for Dominos brand baseball caps. They don’t exist. I’ve searched high and low. I regularly check eBay. Please, just send me an official Dominos hat.

My handmade hat has recently fallen into disrepair. The domino must have unglued and fallen off without my realizing it. I know it happened while I was jogging, but, for the life of me, I can’t find the piece anywhere along my jogging route. Again, please send me your official Dominos headgear.

I hope to be sporting my snazzy new Dominos Pizza hat the next time one of your delivery people come to my door (I would very much like to share a laugh with those soldiers of the ‘za to brighten their grueling route).

I look forward to hearing from you before next Friday (my next pizza night).

Sincerely,

Matt Raudsepp

P.S. I’m currently inventing a new kind of pizza cutter: one that works.

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A response from Fleche Fencing Supplies

January 29th, 2011

Could it be? Will Fleche provide me with exactly what I had requested in my letter? Here’s a copy of the email they sent me (looks like Vlad omitted the “h” in “however”… or he’s francophone and writes de way e speaks). I’ll let you know when the clock strikes FOAM SABER on the Blogsepp…

Fleche Fencing Supplies email response

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A gift from Kleenex

January 26th, 2011

My dear friend Sue from Kleenex’s parent corporation, Kimberly-Clark, was true to her word. Today, after nearly wiping out on my snowy front stair case, I returned from buying some 2% milk for my Harvest Crunch only to find a lovely little letter in my mailbox. I’m rich! Oh wait, that says “cents”.

Kleenex coupon letter

Kleenex coupon

You gotta start somewhere. The money I had reserved for buying me some Kleenex can now be spent elsewhere… like hiring someone to shovel my front steps. I’m sure hired help would only cost me 75¢… Thanks for making life a little easier, Kleenex.

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A letter to Fleche Fencing Supplies

January 22nd, 2011

Safety swords

To whom it may concern at Fleche Fencing Supplies,

If you send me a foam saber, I promise to film a sprawling, epic commercial for your website. We all remember the viral video of that kid practicing his Jedi light saber technique in the privacy of his garage… Why is it that we still remember that video, even to this day? I’ll tell you why: It is entirely because of the awesome power of swords. Swords have the ability to cut the nonsense and get to the point. They endear us with their sharp style and dangerous edginess. The “man of steal” was so named owing to the strength of that common sword material. Even a foam sword excites the simplest of minds. How many times have we gotten lost in the heat of battle, bearing down on our enemy, sword gripped extra tightly in hand to account for excessive sweat, only to be violently brought back to reality when we realize (after the umpteenth blow) that our opponent will not be felled by our foam. We all get carried away sometimes. And doesn’t laughter heal all wounds?

I repeat, send me one small foam saber and I’ll make you the best darned commercial you’ll ever see. I promise it’ll go further (virally) than that Star Wars kid’s little display of “talent”.

You have a foam sword in the stone. I shall be the one to pull it out and wield it with startling business acumen.

Your unlikely knight in foam armour,

Matthew Raudsepp Esq. (Live Action Role Player and internet enthusiast)

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A second response from Kleenex

January 19th, 2011

My first ever “second response” on the Blogsepp! Kleenex has some pretty great customer service if I do say so myself. Sue has been nothing but kind, helpful, and professional. I’m trying to imagine what she looks like… I can really picture myself making some dirty Kleenex with her. Here’s her response to my response to her response to my initial letter. My “wife” is going to love those Q-pons.

Kleenex response no.2

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A response from Kleenex

January 15th, 2011

Kleenex replied to the email I wrote them on January 12, 2011. What follows is a screen-capture of their response taken from my inbox.

Kleenex response

I immediately responded with the following email.

Hello Sue,

First of all, thank you for the lovely response.

Second of all, I need to get my wife her own email address. As you have witnessed, Matthew Jr. has quite the imagination and it doesn’t help any that his mother constantly encourages every one of his whims. I wouldn’t mind it so much if she weren’t emailing via her husband’s work address. You understand.

Thirdly, thank you for the offer of coupons but there was nothing attached in the email. I would like to believe that Kleenex is true to their word. I would like to believe in that.

Regards,

Mr. M. Raudsepp

In my first draft of this response I had added an elaborate postscript in which Matthew senior tried to sell Sue some “dream property” in Florida. He was letting Sue in on a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” that he was hesitant to tell “any and everyone” about, and yet, he said that if she wasn’t interested in the offer that she should immediately pass it along to her co-workers. I figured that a slightly short-tempered and hard-working dad needed a get-rich-quick scheme to occupy his time away from his wife, Samantha, and son, Matthew junior. I ended up deleting the postscript because I decided that I’d rather get me those Kleenex coupons than spend hours building a fake “Florida Swampland Real Estate” webpage to attach as a link under Matthew senior’s signature.

COMMENTS (1)

A letter to Kleenex

January 12th, 2011

To Mr. Kleenex,

I am a six year old boy. My mom is helping me write this but I thought of all of it. She will say hello after my letter.

I used to have a pet bird. His name was Pauly D. He liked crackers and sleeping. His cage was very soft because I put Kleenex on the floor. One day he looked very funny because his legs couldn’t move right. He was dancing and talking. My mom told me he was sick. That night I had a dream that he was asleep in a half full Kleenex box and it was the best bed he ever had. When I woke up he was dead. Me and my mom buried him in a half full Kleenex box in a secret place in the back yard. It was the best bed he ever had.

Last night I dreamed that I was sleeping in a half full Kleenex box. When I was eating pancakes for breakfast I told my mom that if I ever die I want to be buried in a human sized half full Kleenex box in my secret place in the back yard. My mom says she promises. She says that the only thing that’s hard about her promise is that she doesn’t have a human sized Kleenex box. Do you have any human sized Kleenex boxes? Do you have any sheets of Kleenex the size of my bedspread? Do you make a lot of Kleenex at your factory?

My mom said that she would cry a lot if she buried me. I said that we will need a lot of Kleenex for her but she can’t use my human sized ones. She just needs regular sized nose ones for her eyes. Can you promise me that if I ever die you will make me a human sized Kleenex box to sleep in and give my mom as much Kleenex as she wants? I am four feet tall and could fit in any Kleenex box bigger than four feet long.

Thank you Mr. Kleenex,

Matthew Raudsepp

(Hello, I thought you should hear my kid’s thoughts. I told him that big companies don’t usually write back to little kids but that I hoped Kleenex was different. I know it would make Matthew’s day if he were to receive a letter from you stating that if he ever died (so cute!) you would try your best to make a human sized Kleenex box for him to sleep in. If you’d like, the fine print could say that your agreement is only valid for one year, or one hour for all I care. He would simply love to receive a fun letter in the mail. Thank you so much for listening to a little boy’s flight of fancy! -Matthew’s mom Samantha)

COMMENTS (4)

A letter to BMW

January 8th, 2011

The BMW logo.

To the beaming beings at BMW,

Keychains are like wedding rings, n’est-ce pas? People like to take a quick glance at them to see who you’re driving.

My current keychain is a miniature flashlight. It is not at all indicative of my status. However, it does come in handy. To a casual observer, my keychain might suggest that I am a small man, a miner who crouches in very cramped crevices collecting coal or what have you. This could not be further from the truth. The fact is, I use my miniature flashlight to spelunk a different kind of crevice, the keyhole to my BMW.

I have seen some very nice BMW keychains on street corners and in gift shops but have not purchased any of them due to the fact that, upon closer inspection (inspection by miniature flashlight), the BMW brand and copyright information were not marked anywhere on the chain leaving me to believe that they were not endorsed by your company. I even found one keychain that had a typo in “BMW”. It read “BBW” and had a picture of a BMW that had been turned into a big monster truck with a heavyset woman on the hood. It was as if they were trying to modernize the logo. I don’t think I need to tell you that as a BMW driver I do not want a knock-off BMW keychain. I deserve better, n’est-ce pas?

Please send me an official BMW keychain (preferably with a miniature flashlight incorporated into the design) so that I may proudly display my symbol of marriage to BMW.

‘Til death do us part,

Matthew Raudsepp

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