A response from FroggToggs.com

January 5th, 2011

FroggToggs.com replied to the email I wrote them on December 22, 2010. What follows is a photo of their response which I screen-captured from my inbox.

I replied to their message with the following email.

Hello Mr. Fowler,

I was honestly expecting some sort of automated, electronic answering machine response. Thank you for taking the time to get back to me personally. I truly appreciate that.

As per your request, the benefits FroggToggs.com would receive by sending me a free pair of waders would be gaining a lifelong customer and committed supporter who, in turn, would extol the virtues of your company to any and everyone he ever met along the “dog walking trail” of life. I do have a large clientele that is easily influenced by me. Not four months ago I recommended a certain heavy duty choke-chain to one of my clients who proceeded to purchase several of them before her little puppy’s next scheduled walk.

I can also offer up my sister-in-law’s services as a video camera person and produce a testimonial video praising the waders and encouraging viewers to visit your Web business (on the condition that I truly find the waders to be satisfactory). My sister-in-law tells me she already has an idea for “lighting some rain droplets as they cascade down the boot-foot waders”, giving me shivers in the imagining of. She filmed her own wedding video too. I don’t know how she does it!

In the event that you deem these benefits to be unsatisfactory – I would be happy to accept a few pictures of the waders in question being tested to my standards. A series of pictures in which the waders are suspended, filled with water, and hit and swatted at with a bat or fishing rod (without any of the water spilling from the seams) would give me the confidence to use my credit card and make an Inter-Net purchase of the waders at your on-line merchant’s store.

Thank you again, Mr. Fowler!

Sincerely,

Matthew Raudsepp

Walkie-Doggie Inc.

P.S. Your name suggests to me that you come from a long line of bird catchers. Do you hunt fowl? Have you a golden retriever by any chance?

COMMENTS (3)

A letter to Lipton

January 1st, 2011

A pyramid-shaped Lipton tea bag.

Dear lads and ladies at Lipton,

First off, let me say this: I absolutely love your Green Tea with Mandarin Orange. I lip tons of it!

Secondly, where in the world did you come up with pyramid-shaped bags? No, I know where… they make me feel like I’m tea bagging with Cleopatra in ancient Egypt! This giant leap forward in tea technologies (TT’s) makes me feel like a Pharaoh. I decree: “Have my slaves build pyramids – and fill them up with all the tea in the world. Bury me in my basement if it means perfectly steeped tea for all eternity”.

I promise to entrust my bag to your TT’s. Lipton, Lipton, Lipton! If you can manage it, please send me some tea to refill my dwindling supply. I’ve yet to try your white tea. I would be eternally grateful (said the Pharaoh) if I were to receive some samples.

May your TT’s continue to develop, and may they always point forward!

Yours truly,

Matt Raudsepp

COMMENTS (1)

A letter to Hilroy

December 29th, 2010

Plain sheets.

Dear “bright idea” department at Hilroy,

I bought your so-called “Plain” paper and found it to be anything but plain. The unbelievable brilliance of the white sheets was too much for my eyes. Plain paper should not shine like a one hundred watt light bulb. Plain paper ought to be a dull and unassuming shade of white. Ideally, it ought to be grey paper. Grey paper would be easier on everyone’s eyes. I would even take beige paper over those radiant, hot-white sheets you refer to as “Plain”. A more humble tone needs to be chosen: taupe or honeydew perhaps. I leave this choice in your capable hands (so long as your choice is anything other than “Spotlight On God’s Beard” white).

In the mean time, I would suggest retracting the label “Plain” until such time as your products truly deserve that specific categorization. And, since you are in this line of business, could you please refer me to another company that offers truly plain paper – preferably grey?

Sincerely (waiting for my pupils to constrict after such wide dilation),

Matthew Raudsepp

P.S. Your packages of white paper are in need of an update. Should they not reflect the distribution of the population? Out of those two hundred sheets, some should be white, yes, but some should also be brown. The rest should reflect our ethnic diversity by covering the wide range of tones between white and dark brown. “The Proper Pigment Per Paper” campaign is all yours. Make it happen, Hilroy: “Paper For The People”.

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A letter to Schindler Elevator Corporation

December 25th, 2010

A scale model of an escalator.

To the sympathetic souls at Schindler Elevator Corporation,

I am writing to you with an odd request. I am a first year architecture student and am busy readying a model of a local shopping mall. There is one escalator within the space (two, if you count the one going up and the one going down) and it is causing me much trouble to accurately model. Not because of any specific design element, but simply due to the complexity and fascinating nature of these people-carrying conveyor transport devices. If you have any leftover or unused models lying around the office I would greatly appreciate you sending me one to use in my maquette. You will certainly be credited in my written project. I don’t want any grey areas with regard to who made what. The only grey areas I want in my project are the steps of the escalator!

One never knows, perhaps this will begin a correspondence between us that will be mutually beneficial once I graduate. I am aware that this is not the best way to inquire about possible job opportunities within your corporation, however, I would be honoured to be placed on Schindler’s list of potential candidates.

Thank you so much!

Matt Raudsepp

COMMENTS (1)

A letter to FroggToggs.com

December 22nd, 2010

 

A pair of camo waders.

To the friendly folks at FroggToggs.com,

I am a professional dog walker and am forced to work in all types of weather. As this is how I earn my living, I sometimes have no choice but to march my “herd” out into the rainy day around me and assume the inevitable consequence of getting quite wet. To make matters worse, one particular member of the “herd” is a very large golden retriever (her name is Lily) that loves to play in water! Needless to say, we certainly do get wet.

It was only quite recently that a friend of mine suggested I purchase a pair of waders. I finally gave in and bought my first pair little over a year ago (a rival brand of yours). They were fine for a short amount of time until a poorly glued seam began splitting. I returned to the place of purchase and immediately exchanged them. Lo and behold, the replacement pair deteriorated in a similarly short amount of time. I wrote to the company but never heard a peep back from them. I have since decided to look elsewhere for my waders.

I am tired of broken promises and waders that fail to deliver. I have not been able to find any stores carrying your products in my city and I have never trusted ordering something via Inter-Net without having seen the item physically in front of me. Therefore, I am contacting your company in the hopes that you might send me either a pair of “Cascades Bootfoot Waders – Cleated” or “BoggTogg Camo Chest Waders – Cleated” in order to sample and scrutinize while on the job.

Too many companies these days suggest that they have tremendous customer service without ever delivering when their customers need it most. Here is your chance to impress a jaded wader wearer. I hope that I will soon be performing my job walking dogs through fog in FroggTogg’s BoggToggs.

I look forward to your reply,

Matthew Raudsepp

Walkie-Doggie Inc.

COMMENTS (3)

Welcome to the Blogsepp

December 17th, 2010

To whom it may concern,

I want free stuff. I’m going to write some nice letters to some nice companies and expect things in return. Simple. Maybe I’ll ask for those little boxes of cereal you cut open and pour the milk right into. I sure could use some insect repellant for all these mice in my apartment. How many tons of post-it notes will they send? I’m dissatisfied with the size of Kleenex, can they make me a dozen custom sheets the size of my bedspread? You name it, I want it for free.

I’ll begin by posting my letters, but I can’t wait to post all the responses I get, complete with photos of the free stuff. Expect new letters to be posted in my blog section twice a week, Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Also, this blog will occasionally be used for other things. Hey, it’s a free world.

Sincerely,

-Matt Raudsepp

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