Caulk in Mouth

March 6th, 2011

I swallowed a whole bunch of crazy crap when I was a kid. I suppose I have what people refer to as an oral fixation. I spent the larger part of my childhood with something besides food swishing around the inside of my mouth. But to be honest, some of the things I ingested were actually pretty tasty, with interesting shapes and textures. The following is a rundown of the weird shit I used to put in my mouth:

1. Marbles. This was my chewing gum from kindergarten to grade 4. But I wouldn’t ingest just any marbles. I would stay away from the cat’s eyes. And I wouldn’t touch the ones that looked like planets or galaxies, perhaps haunted by the notion that our whole universe existed inside a marble (thank you very much Men in Black). My favourites were the condiment-coloured marbles and the flat Chinese marbles, shaped like throat lozenges. I give the marbles a 4/5.

2. Window caulking. I guess I used to strip the windows in my house and shove the beige substance down my throat. If it tasted good, I would still be doing it. 1/5

3. Christmas tree light bulb. I think it was the shape that attracted me to the tiny bulbs on our tree. Reminiscent of those oblong Goodies candies, except the bulb didn’t taste like disgusting black licorice, so it couldn’t have been that bad. 3/5

4. A Bird Feather. Apparently, my mom turned around and saw me with a bird’s feather sticking out of my mouth. I wonder if for a split-second she thought I swallowed the whole bird like Sylvester the Cat or something. The texture itself is enough to award it some points. 3/5

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