Dairy Counterattack

March 10th, 2011

Here at MattandKyleandMatt, we’ve had a long-standing war on Dairy, often remarking that it is unquestionably the most disgusting of the food groups: the way a brick of cheese will crimp and sink into an orange mould of your bridgework, or the slimy remnants of yogurt that stubbornly cling to your spoon, or how a grown man will demean himself into licking every part of his ice cream cone, including the cone itself, the napkin, his wrist. Even those who can tolerate public displays of affection are dsigusted by a make-out session with dripping cream. The following is in response to the recent Dairy assault in the media, and another chapter in our long-standing Dairy feud. 

Is anyone the least bit surprised at the recent announcement of breast milk ice cream on sale in London. Women are dedicating their lactic essence to feeding the birtish population, solidifying the country’s reputation for poor food choices. The flavour is being called Baby Gaga, inspired by Lady Gaga, who when informed of the product reportedly “vomitted into her cupped hands”. 

For years, ice cream shops have been pulling similar tactics, creating flavours for dogs, cats and even lizards. What they don’t tell you is that, in 2007, ModernDog magazine reported that more dogs have died from fido-friendly ice cream than Parvo, heart tumors, and anal sac adenocarcinoma combined.  

I think my distaste for dairy started when I was in school, and my mom would stuff my packed lunches with gogurt tubes. Gogurt was a product whose commercials featured a montage of 12 year old boys sucking down rods of cream. Intentionally or not, it was phallic and it made me really uncomfortable. Call me a prude, but I don’t think 12 year olds should be glurping anything.

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3 Comments

Sheila
Apr 05, 2011
is that gogurt commercial for real? that little girl with the dubbed voice is terrifying...
 
Lucy
Mar 23, 2011
omg.. Just as bad as the chocolate covered frozen bananas on a stick they sell through out Florida . Which a horny guy most likely invented..
 
Hoop-There-It-Is
Mar 12, 2011
Prude!