Death Penalty Etiquette

April 15th, 2011

Gastronomically speaking, death row inmates are the luckiest people in the world. No meal is more important than your last. Often, it must encapsulate everything beautiful and joyous about a world that has marginalized and ignored you. The right last meal can bring a more resonant calm than any priest or reverend.

Important things to remember when deciding on your last meal. Firstly, you want to make things a little difficult for the prison and its chefs. Nobody’s last meal should be an easy order, no matter how much you like grilled cheese or Kraft Dinner. This is your last chance to buck the system. The Man wants you to ask for KFC before you die, don’t give the bastards the satisfaction. Have something sent for, or flown in. Be bold.

Secondly, don’t ask for anything they can potentially fuck up. Too many inmates have asked over-complicated dishes that even highly competent chefs get wrong, and then they’re sent to their deaths, forever dissatisfied. Better to order a great three-star meal than a mediocre four-star one.  

Don’t be afraid to send it back. You have rights. If they overcook your steak, they are legally obligated to cook you up a new one. There is an entire section in the Charter of Rights on the last meal: what your rights are as a death-sentenced patron of the prison. So do yourself a favor and brush up on it.

Nostalgi-factor. Nothing tastes better than Mama’s meatloaf, or Mama’s lasagna, or Mama’s sweet potato pie. If she’s still alive, nothing would make your Mama happier than cooking you one last special dinner. You can’t go wrong with a homegrown staple, unless of course, you murdered your whole family.

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2 Comments

Royal
Aug 13, 2015
Try either of these reecips they are really niceMarinated Rump Steak2 rump steaks, weighing about 7-8 oz (200-225 g) each3 fl oz (75 ml) red wine3 fl oz (75 ml) Worcestershire sauce1 large clove garlic, peeled and crushed1 teaspoon groundnut or other flavourless oilTo garnish:a few sprigs fresh watercressYou will also need a shallow dish or lidded polythene box large enough to hold the steaks closely and comfortably.Put the steaks in the shallow dish or polythene box, then mix the red wine, Worcestershire sauce and garlic together and pour this over the steaks. Cover with clingfilm or put the lid on, then place in the fridge for a few hours or, preferably, overnight. When you're ready to cook the steaks, drain and dry them carefully with kitchen paper, reserving the marinade.Now take a medium frying pan, place it on a high heat and heat the oil until it's very hot. Then sear the steaks for 4 minutes on each side and, 2 minutes before the time is up, add the reserved marinade to the pan and let it bubble and reduce by about half. When the steaks are cooked, remove them from the pan to warm serving plates, then, using your sharpest knife, cut them into slices diagonally and spoon the sauce over. Garnish with the watercress and serve immediately with Aligot.Braised Steak in Madeira with Five Kinds of Mushrooms2 lb (900 g) braising steak, preferably 1 thick slice10 fl oz (275 ml) dry Madeirabd oz (10 g) dried porcini4 oz (110 g) chestnut mushrooms4 oz (110 g) dark-gilled mushrooms6 oz (175 g) oyster mushrooms6 oz (175 g) shiitake mushrooms2 medium onions, peeled2 tablespoons olive oil1 rounded tablespoon plain flour1bd oz (40 g) butter1 bay leafa few fresh thyme sprigs1 fat garlic clove, crushedsalt and freshly milled black pepper Pre-heat the oven to gas mark bd, 250b0F (130b0C).You will also need a large shallow flameproof casserole with a tight-fitting lid.First of all, soak the dried porcini by placing them in a jug with 15 fl oz (425 ml) warm water for at least half an hour. Meanwhile, trim the beef of any hard gristle and membrane and if it's a whole slice divide it into 4 pieces. Cut the onions into half lengthways and then into bd inch (1 cm) wedges. Now in the casserole heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil and saute9 the onions until nicely tinged brown at the edges, then remove them to a plate. Heat another tablespoon of oil in the casserole, turning the heat up really high, then brown the pieces of meat, 2 at a time on both sides, and remove them as they're done to join the onions.Next, drain the porcini through a sieve lined with kitchen paper, reserving the liquid, and chop them roughly. Now stir the flour into the fat left in the casserole along with bd oz (10 g) butter, then slowly add the mushroom-soaking water, stirring well after each addition, and follow that with the Madeira, whisking well to blend everything. As soon as the liquid comes to simmering point, add the onions and the browned beef to the casserole, along with the chopped porcini. Add the bay leaf and the thyme, season with salt and pepper, then put a lid on and place the casserole in the oven for 1bd hours. After that, chop the chestnut and dark-gilled mushrooms roughly (not too small). Add these to the casserole, sprinkling them on the steak and spooning the juices over, then replace the lid, return the casserole to the oven and let it cook slowly for another 1bd hours.When you're ready to serve, slice the oyster and shiitake mushrooms into bd inch (1 cm) strips, reserving a few small whole ones for garnishing, then melt 1 oz (25 g) butter in a frying pan, add the garlic and the mushrooms and season with salt and pepper. Toss everything around in the pan for 2-3 minutes. Now remove the casserole from the oven, taste to check the seasoning, then serve the steaks with the sauce spooned over and garnish with the shiitake and oyster mushrooms.
 
justin
Apr 17, 2011
I've heard stories of people ordering pb and j. I wonder if there is a menu to choose from, or if anything at all can be selected. Also, I have a feeling if you say something like 'I want steak', they'll bring you any old steak, but if you say 'I want a 16oz filet mignon, cooked rare' they have to go find a decent cut of meat and cook it to your liking. A lot of pressure on the cook. the last thing he wants is to delay the whole execution because the meal wouldn't meet Ramsay's standards. 'Would you fuckn' serve this pile of shit to an inmate on death row??? Cook it again you piece of shit!!!', he might say.