Parc Avenue Tonight is a hip new internet talkshow. Join dashing host Dimitrios Koussioulas as he interviews some of the unique and creative people that live, work and play in Montreal’s trendy Mile End.
Tonight’s episode features famous local caucasian actor, Kyle Gatehouse.
Musical guest: Reversing Falls “Curse This Place” http://youtu.be/07IfNfpA4oM
Check out the other: ParcAvenueTonight.com

Let’s talk about Alpine Marmots.

Not only are they cute as a huge furry button, they’re also the largest species of squirrel, with the major fatass Marmots reaching upwards of twenty pounds!

As adorable as they are, their behaviour can, at times, be downright filthy and evil. 
Examples:
-They’re super lazy. They sleep for nine months straight! Hibernation? More like, “Let’s taunt God by creating a cult of sloth for three quarters of the year in our Marmot burrows.”
-How do they seal their sinful burrows, you ask? With a fresh, sticky mixture of dirt and feces. They plug their putrid rodent dens with a foul dung-door and then marinate in their hot stink ovens for nine Godless months. 
-Dominant female Marmots actively suppress the reproduction of subordinates by being antagonistic towards them while they are pregnant, which causes stress and kills the young in utero. Basically, Marmots are so unpleasant they’re able to convince a baby that death is preferable to spending even one moment in a hellish burrow with queen bitch alpha-Marmot.

Then again, maybe Marmots are just taking a progressive stance in the abortion debate.

Yours,
Kyle “Marmots Are Pro-Choice” Gatehouse

Idea #1: Optics and Word Fun

How about instead of menus, customers receive mirrors, and the menu will be written out on the walls behind them, only backwards. And like Indiana Jones, Alex Mack, or Shirley Holmes, they’ll have to decipher the daily specials through these mirrors. Or, the entire floor would be a mirror and the menu would be written backwards on the ceiling. The restaurant will be called, “Objects in Mirror Are More Delicious Than They Appear”.

Dyslexics will have an especially hard time. If you thought hiding your learning disability from your friends was difficult before, just wait until you come to my restaurant. If alienating dyslexics is my number one priority (I haven’t yet decided if it is or isn’t), consider a restaurant with anagrammed menus, word puzzles, confusing fonts and unbridled spelling errors. This restaurant would be called “IsDelXya” or “Jay Leno Doesn’t Eat Here”

Note: look into other optics-related menu ideas: menus via periscopes, microscopes, kaleidoscopes.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Back in the early nineties, we had predicted that our friends Annie and Menno would one day tie the knot. At the time, we were producing thousands of predictive wedding tapes, pairing up all of our friends in the hopes that we would be saving a lot of time and energy on future gifts when their special days eventually came.

We spent twenty two sleepless months making this series. So far, only one of those videos has proven accurate and usable: this one, the first wedding VHS to leave the vault and see the light of day… Annie and Menno’s wedding day!

“Down-town Toronto! Do away with bad sleep: duvet with good sleep. Don’t put down down. Get down with down, down-town Toronto!”

I’ve got about a hundred other slogans and ad copy for you guys. But, here’s the thing, in order to gain access to my golden notebook I’m going to have to see some proof that your product is, in fact, the cream of the duck crop – that it’s primo stuff. Send me a small unmarked package of your finest, whitest fluff. I need a sample. But, if it’s as good as my associate says it is, think of this as a simple formality.

A little baggy of duck feathers is all I ask. And in return, you’ll get a book full of down-town gems like this: “I love down so much I’ve been diagnosed with down syndrome!” (The ad could feature a smiling picture of my cousin Ronnie).

Please mail your duck fluff to [...]

I am one hundred percent serious… I have a book full of duvet and down puns that are waiting to spread their wings and warm some hearts.

Thank you in advance, you won’t regret it!

Eternally yours,

Matthew Raudsepp

Check out their state of the art website (complete with FREE pictures of water fowl and sundry fauna for you to download and use as desktop wallpaper, low-resolution only!): www.featherind.com

Bats are the only mammals capable of true, sustained flight.

What’s that you say? “But Kyle, as handsome as you are, I think you’ve forgotten about the Flying Squirrel!”
Not so! While you do have a keen eye for identifying good looks, your ability to differentiate between flying and gliding is painfully poor!
The so called “Flying” Squirrel is but a flea-ridden charlatan, who’s pathetic attempts at flight are nothing more than embarrassing displays of delayed free fall. Where the graceful bat has achieved a perfect mastery of flight, the “Faking” Squirrel lives on borrowed time, gliding around his filthy home on the back of a hastily scrawled I.O.U. written by a begrudging gravity.

INTERESTING BAT FACTS:
-Vampire bats are the only mammalian parasite. 
-Twenty percent of all mammals are bats. 
-Bats dont actually flap their entire forelimbs, as birds do, but instead flap their spread out digits. They tickle the air with their long, creepy fingers, like some leathery pervert diddling his way through the sky. 

Yours,
Kyle “Go Fuck Yourselves, Flying Squirrels” Gatehouse

A small crowd gathers, and the members of it look intently at a beautiful miniature landscape lit from a radiant blue sky. There are men, women and children in the crowd – the youngest standing on long footstools that raise them to a suitable viewing level. The attention of every person present is held rapt on a small replica of a viaduct, with handsome stone piers and an intricate superstructure of thin timber beams. This carries a pair of shining nickel rails over the valley between two shrub-covered hills. Near one end of the viaduct, model trees as large (or as small) as rock-garden plants provide a fresh green frame for the entrance of the tunnel.

Then, with a soft purr of the wheels, a tiny train emerges from the tunnel to a wild chorus of hushed “ooh”s and “aah”s. The locomotive, barely as long as two fingers, draws four truly proportioned coaches in slow procession before the crowd, so overjoyed by the majesty of its finely crafted minutia that they are one and all brought to streaming tears of hot joy.

As the proud little locomotive makes its way along the polished rails – controlled by an unseen hand – those few members of the crowd not fixed on the movement of the train have allowed their gaze to follow the tracks, hoping to peer into what the future has in store for their heroic rail transport model. Licking the delicious rails with their wet ogle, the brave few members who look to the future feel as though they themselves are conducting their very own, slightly faster and completely imaginary, model train – an act they find to be immensely satisfying, as if they have wrestled the chaotic and uncaring universe into a submissive and orderly servitude.
Indeed, they, if only for an instant, feel like Gods, in complete control of their fate, a comforting peace warming its way through their hearts.

And as the little train bumps into the conductor’s penis, laid gingerly over the tracks, the eyes of the crowd rise to meet the eyes of the conductor, and all are joined in that moment by their love of model railways.

Yours,
Kyle “Exposing Himself To Children At Hobby Conventions” Gatehouse

It worked! The KC Fortune Cookie Factory sent me my fortunes, sans cookies… enough of them to last me a month! Fortunes include:

“You have a sense of the dramatic and a tendency towards display”. TRUE! Just look at the picture above. That’s a fan, people. Conjures an asiatic fan, doesn’t it? Yeah, that’s on purpose, kids.

“You have a good heart” and “You have riches in your heart”. FALSE! One of those two staments must be false. They’re contradictory. If my heart had riches in it (jewels, silver and gold, guys named Rich) I doubt I’d be alive. A heart is not a treasure chest. It can’t hold precious stones, metals and other people. However, the heart itself is a treasure inside a chest. Write THAT one on a fortune, kids.

“Use your charm and personality to your advantage”. TRUE! Did I not get some free stuff today?! And will I continue to reap what I sow on this blog? Yes and yes. *Charming wink* followed by an *appropriate smile hinting at my unique personality* (Could you picture it? Now THAT’s charm and personality, kids).

In conclusion, I give KC Fortune Cookie Factory’s customer service four and a half BloggToggs out of five. Half a point has been deducted until Chairman Kwan writes another one of his blog posts.

My friends and I have a bet going. How many times has it happened: at your office Holiday Gift Exchange party, someone receives the gift of a calendar filled with images of bikini babes washing some dirty, dirty cars? My bet is once. My friend’s bet is anywhere from two times to infinity times. My other pal’s bet is that it has never happened, but it will (now that the idea has been presented to you).

Please let us know who is/will be right. We have an all expenses paid luxury car wash on the line here…

Cheers,

Matthew “lather my hubcaps” Raudsepp

It all feels like dialogue between two diplomatic alien races on Star Trek. I immediately responded:

Oh, I am fortunate! Thank you, Rachele. Please let Chairman Kwan know how thankful I am. And please, remind him to post another piece on his blog. We are all awaiting his words.