Letters to chocolate bar brands

May 25th, 2011

There’s an old saying: you can’t make lemonade without life giving you free lemons. No, wait. The point I’m trying to make is this: don’t take the lemons. Listen, just because life is handing out lemons doesn’t mean that YOU have to acknowledge it. Pretend to be distracted. Maybe you were “busy” looking elsewhere. Perhaps your eyes were wandering up life’s arm, noticing that life has a weird tattoo. You’re trying to decipher life’s tattoo of an old car swinging from one of those big magnetic cranes commonly found at a junk yard – only, life seems to have asked the tattoo artist that, instead of a junk yard, he should make it an old folks home (it seemed really funny to life at the time). And, my friends, right when you start to laugh at life’s tattoo (at life itself), life will have given up on trying to get you to take some lemons off of its hands and will have moved on to deliver its cargo to the lemonade companies that actually need all that citrus. Wait, no. I remember what I was trying to say! The point was to set up my letters to various chocolate bar brands.

[write a funny segue before posting]

A letter to 3 Musketeers:

After some quick research using my internet computer, I discovered that the name of your chocolate bar dates back to pre-wartime decadence. In the past, your candy bar consisted of three pieces: chocolate, strawberry and vanilla. Escalating prices of wartime commodities forced you to kill the other two flavours and leave us with the single chocolate bar we are accustomed to today.

For the love of honesty, please change your name to “1 Musketeer”. You could add a subtitle: “Recent intelligence reveals that two of the Musketeers were killed during the war”. Or, for a simple, eye-catching summation of the whole story, you can print a warning on the wrapper stating “This Candy Bar May Contain The Ghosts Of Men Who Died For Their Country”.

A letter to KitKat:

J’ai acheté ton product thinking I buy a cat kit (all ingrédients pour create un cat the same way comme grow a package of Sea-Monkey). Do you know where is I can buying the true baby cat powder mixture and not a chocolate barre?

A letter to Aero:

I first became acquainted with your chocolate bar after a trip to Europe this past year. After a long flight home, and before collecting my luggage, I wanted to get a quick snack and spend the last of my foreign currency. I read the name on your wrapper quickly and assumed it was called “A euro”… However, the cashier corrected my mistake when I handed her the single coin. She proceeded to laugh like a maniac. Needless to say, I was made to feel like a fool. I put the candy down and walked right out of the aeroport, leaving my luggage behind.

One year has passed and I’ve still yet to try your candy bar. I can’t help but associate it with lost luggage. Thinking an Aero was a euro was an error.

A letter to Mars Bar:

Hello, I am a bartender from planet Earth who is interested in working in, presumably, your planet’s only watering hole. I’d like to be up front with you, I am not overly familiar with alien drinks. But, I am a fast learner and work very well in new atmospheres. Could you take my CV to your leader?

Psych! I’m just kidding. Did I get you? Were you thinking “Hey, is this guy for REAL?!?!” hahaha! I just wanted to say thanks for making one of my favourite chocolate bars in the whole universe. Send me coupons!

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Aug 13, 2015
Ooohhh! These are two cuties - I love the lemon one cos yolelw is my favourite colour but the little boy picking apples is such a sweet image too! Can't decide which I like the best.....Love Jacky x
May 27, 2011
I like your French accent for the kit cat. Meow