Nut Muncher

August 29th, 2011

Let’s talk about Alpine Marmots.

Not only are they cute as a huge furry button, they’re also the largest species of squirrel, with the major fatass Marmots reaching upwards of twenty pounds!

As adorable as they are, their behaviour can, at times, be downright filthy and evil. 
Examples:
-They’re super lazy. They sleep for nine months straight! Hibernation? More like, “Let’s taunt God by creating a cult of sloth for three quarters of the year in our Marmot burrows.”
-How do they seal their sinful burrows, you ask? With a fresh, sticky mixture of dirt and feces. They plug their putrid rodent dens with a foul dung-door and then marinate in their hot stink ovens for nine Godless months. 
-Dominant female Marmots actively suppress the reproduction of subordinates by being antagonistic towards them while they are pregnant, which causes stress and kills the young in utero. Basically, Marmots are so unpleasant they’re able to convince a baby that death is preferable to spending even one moment in a hellish burrow with queen bitch alpha-Marmot.

Then again, maybe Marmots are just taking a progressive stance in the abortion debate.

Yours,
Kyle “Marmots Are Pro-Choice” Gatehouse

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2 Comments

Derek
Sep 05, 2011
Dear God...
 
Tom
Sep 04, 2011
That is terrible in so many ways