The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

January 13th, 2011

Imagine you’ve been invited to a dinner party, a party too elegant to concern itself with a Facebook event page. The kind of party where an ironic ascot would likely be rejected, but a whole-hearted bow-tie readily embraced. “What can I bring?” You inquire, besides a bottle of wine.

“Maybe a dessert, or a baguette”.

“Oh, I’ve got the best bakery in my neighborhood. I’ll supply the bread”.

On the day of, you inspect the bakery’s freshest samples, warm to the touch, yielding perfectly to your exploratory caresses. It is the sexual experience you hoped selecting French bread would be.

You stuff the bread in your bag along with your wine, confident that it will hold up to the elements, to gravity, to the journey. A couple of metro stops and a short walk later, and you reach the door with what looks like a torpedo someone had ripped open to disarm. Stale, flaked and eroded at its tip, clinging to its stalk like a child’s wiggly tooth.

The hosts don’t even serve your bread and politely pretend to find it at the end of the evening: “oh, I forgot to put out your… baguette. Do you want to take it home?”

You don’t, but you take it anyway.

This painful incident can be avoided with a little creativity. Why not take that old tube from that art class years ago, empty it of its contents and replace them with the fresh baguette. To keep the bread warm, why not wrap it an old table cloth. You could stuff the wrapping with a sprig of your favorite herb to give your bread an added flair. And then watch as the dinner guests all marvel at your ingenuity as you sweep through the party donning your bread quiver like a gastronomic Robin Hood.

Bread quiver

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Jan 16, 2011
The photos are an excellent touch. Something out of a magazine. You should patent this ASAP. For fuck's sake, they have banana holsters - and most oddly shaped bananas refuse to fit.
Jan 16, 2011
And where exactly am I supposed to put my drawings..? Stupid...
Jan 16, 2011
omg ,, i just sold this idea to Tupper ware for 100k plus 30 percent of total sales....