The Sunday Starbucks Review

January 9th, 2011

It’s week 2 and already I hate doing these reviews. I’m standing in line at the cash, looking at the crap on display and I really just want something substantial, not a fucking pumpkin-drizzled scone.  I order a mint tea for four dollars and thirty five cents and something called a cranberry bliss cake that looks like a hunk of skin disease. What the hell am I doing here?

You know what I like about Second Cup? They have a key for their bathrooms. The lock and key system has worked for centuries. But Starbucks, for some reason, thinks it knows better. According to Starbucks, a buzzer system is the way to go. Who invented this bathroom buzzer system anyway? It doesn’t work. I’m not in some office building. Nobody’s waiting for me inside. First of all, you gotta go up and tell someone else that you’re using the bathroom, like you’re asking permission to piss. Suddenly, I’m a just-out-of-jail Morgan Freeman from Shawshank Redemption, can’t squeeze a drop without say-so . And then, the dude’s gotta buzz me in, announcing to everyone inside that someone’s going to shit or piss in the next room. And to top it all off, while I was in there, the dude buzzed someone else into the men’s washroom: “Uh, someone’s in here” I said, mid-stream. I marched out of the bathroom, ready to ream into the buzzer dude, except there was like three people in line. So I waited in line for like a minute and a half, thinking about what I was gonna say to the guy: “Hey man. What’s the deal sabotaging my stream?” And then I just felt stupid. Shamed and stupid. Thanks Starbucks. See you again next week.

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1 Comment

Jan 10, 2011
Bring food from another establishment. If they tell you off, respond with: "Don't worry, this food is not from your competition. They aren't interesting in serving shit and over-charging for it."