The Sunday Starbucks Review

January 1st, 2011

It’s around five o’clock in the afternoon and the place is packed. The clientele strains to be heard, competing with the inimitable Judy Garland warbling over the sound system. Already, I’m not keen on sticking around. The only available table is all the way in the corner, between the two shitters and the emergency exit. That’s when my companion informs me of the term “coffee shits”. I hadn’t heard the expression, but with my iPhone in hand, the online urban dictionary provided us with the definition: “After drinking coffee and eating tons of carbs, you take a fiery, steamy, burning hot shit with a fudge-like consistency”. How cozy for us!

I order a tall cappuccino and an Espresso Brownie. I watched the barista mechanically preparing my beverage while simultaneously carrying on a conversation with another customer. The feat would have impressed me had the cappuccino met my modest standards. Where’s the love, Starbucks employee?

On a positive note, the establishment had wisely decided to take down the horrendous paintings that typically adorn its coffee-coloured walls. The unused nails and chipped plaster are infinitely more compelling. Also, the Espresso Brownie was truly exquisite. Most other coffee shop brownies could be mistaken for the chalky remnants of the Berlin Wall, but Starbucks surprised me this time. Cafe Depot take note: Starbucks Espresso Brownies take the cake!

I waited until I got home before taking my coffee shit, which, in my opinion, is the polite thing to do.

I’m giving this uneven visit two stars out of five. 2/5. Shape up Starbucks.

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Jan 05, 2011
It is a sad day when the" Starbucks experience" is less then stellar...but then again he one you had at home was......
val mcleod
Jan 04, 2011
you'll never whisk anything properly if you hold the utensil that way. warm regards, val