Too Much Flavor for a Funeral

February 17th, 2011

My great-uncle was a miserable codger who all but ignored our side of the family. His funeral started off well-enough, the service was cold and embarrassing. Speakers limited their comments to cliffnote commemorations and the priest kept mispronouncing his name. The reception afterwards was at his sister’s apartment (my great aunt’s place), a crummy unheated 3 ½. A befitting funeral.

And then came the food: Delicately crafted open-faced sandwiches featuring endlessly creative flavor combinations. Suddenly the energy in the room shifted. Awkward mumbled prattling turned into animated exchanges and groans of ecstasy. I couldn’t help but think, this is inappropriate.

Funeral food should never taste better than anything found in a vending machine. It is no time for creativity or show boating. If you want your funeral catered, ask your High School’s cafeteria. Indeed, there are funeral staples that should not be tampered with. Egg Salad Sandwich is a must. Stale white bread, stuffed a little too much for comfort. Guests should be gagged with an excess of egg goo. And please refrain from adding onions. That is too much flavor for a funeral. Try garlic salt instead, or wet parsley. Or throw a curve ball and mix the egg with horseradish. Guests will be confused and disgusted, but too bereaved to complain. Similarly, tuna sandwiches are an always-reviled alternative at a wake. It should either be really dry or really mayonnaisy, nothing in between. And finally, you cannot go wrong with dangerously under-cooked quiches.


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1 Comment

Feb 17, 2011
True that! We were at another funeral not long ago where there were all kinds of delicious open faced sandwiches AS WELL AS the egg salad funeral favorites. the smoked salmon and roast beef open-faced sandwiches were the last to go. Everyone knows that the last thing that your guests need at a funeral is to feel bad for eating more than one of the 'extravagant' items. There's already enough guilt and remorse at funerals. No one feels bad for eating 10 pieces of soggy de-crusted egg-salad sammies... That is until their digestive systems are all fouled-up.